|
|
|
|
     |
I can't take anymore... It's over. I'm done with you do you hear me? All that I needed from you was to be consistant. If you wanted a friend, you'd act one way and if you wanted a brother, you'd act another. Pick one and fucking stick with it. But you know what? No. I'm done with that too. Forget it. On my good days, if you look for me, you'll find a friend. Fuck it...being a brother to you is something that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. What the fuck do you want from me huh? A better question, do you even REALIZE what you're doing to me? Do you? Do you even fucking care? I can't take it anymore...I'm so sick and tired of watching every word and action I say around you, why? Cause you care SO much about what others think. Why can't you just fucking drop it? If they can't understand then that's their fucking problem. What the hell does it have to do with me? The way you act, the shit that comes out of your mouth, it all leads me to believe that I'm nothing but a burden to you. In the last month, you've only called me when there was a problem. You've also only called RIGHT after I did...I told you before, i feel neglected but you know what? Better you not call at all then to call for a few days, letting me think that things were normal before stopping again. In my grad message in the yearbook, yes, I did say that 'I'll always be there for you and I'll always love you, never doubt it...' but you know what? If I knew how you would take it, I would have spent that space writing something more meaningful to myself, something crazy so that people don't forget me too easily. Instead, I decide that since you've had the greatest impact on me in the last 5 years, I would mainly devote that last message to you. What happens? People ask you why I would write something like that. No matter how many times you explain to them (knowing you, probably just once) they just don't get it. They can't understand that there is more to love than just what occurs between a guy and a girl that wants to get it on. I love food, I love my video games, I love chatting, and the people I chat with. I love family. If I were to say to anyone, I love my mother (Which I haven't for the last three months) fucking nobody would come up to me saying, "omg, that's fucking sick man, how can you love your own MOTHER?" And why is this so? It's because love between family can be easily differentiated from love for another member of the opposite sex. IF you had explained this to them, perhaps some would understand but most likely, most would give you that look again. "But you aren't REALLY family...you don't share the same parents or the same blood..." I say what of it? How many fucking times have I told you that it doesn't matter? How many times have I told you that I would MOST likely sacrifice the life of a cousin to save yours...even though my cousin is bonded to me by blood and you're not? Blood to me isn't the issue kid. You know what? It never was. Family that shares nothing but blood is not family. That's just people who are forced to care for and take care of each other. The opposite is true. People who share a bond but not blood can also be family. Why? it's the relationship that matters, it's the relationship that binds me to you and allows me to say that I love you as a sister. The fact that my blood doesn't run through your veins does NOT fucking concern me. If it really concerned you, give me a knife. I'll put some of my blood IN you, that way, you won't feel so fucking weird. After all this, if people around me still didn't understand and looked at me weirdly, I would smile, tell them to fuck themselves and mind their own business becaues I KNOW that what I had with you was worth all the strange looks and gossip in the world. . . . YOU apparently don't feel the same way. YOU'RE bothered by the simplest things although if your memory would be so kind, YOU were the one that fucking started all this. A crowded hallway, with me walking away, what do you do? You shout out my name and call out really fucking loud, 'I love you!' That really fucking got to me you know? Before that, I also thought that the use of that phrase should be reserved only for people who have been going out for huge lengths of time. So instead of saying anything, I waved back and walked away. In time, I grew to understand what that word could mean...that it could mean more than just to indicate true love, but love, more than like, more than friends. When we first got close, we were together a lot and it was YOU who brought it to my attention that people thought that we were going out. I laughed it off and asked you if you minded, cause if you did, I would go and explain to anyone who thought wrongly but you said no, that you were fine. You know what? Fuck that shit cause you WEREN'T fine. But at the same time, I didn't see you doing anything to stop giving people that impression. You clung to me whenever you saw me, you'd run to me whenever I saw YOU. I'd always get a big hug from you the first time I saw you after a weekend and when I went on that three day trip to New York, both of us took it hard. You continuously tell me that nothing has changed but fuck that...and you know what? Fuck you too. How dare you fucking mess with me like that? Do you know how much I hurt? I don't think you do cause I've been painfully careful to avoid hurting you in any way. All day today, you kept on insisting that you had no problem with what I wrote, that it was all in the minds of others but you know what? Fuck you. You DO have a problem. If you didn't want my love, we'd have been better off staying nothing more than friends. Better off without the rings. Better off without the pains, doubts, and depressions all caused by you. You never talk to me or spend time with me if there's anyone better around do you know that? Does ANYONE but me realize that little fact? I mean, before it was different, at the very least, you'd come by and sit with me for a while whenever you skipped third or I got out of WC but now? If I'm lucky, I'll get a nod from you. Most times, you just share a glance with me and that's it. When we're alone, you're always quick to reassure me that you still love me, that you're still my sister but if ANYONE else is around, you refrain from such actions and look at me weird if I try to show you that I care. If you like being with me, you like being with me. If you don't, you don't. Regardless of who's present or what's happening, you should be fucking consistant. So you know what? Fuck you. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it. The ring you gave me...you told me that it symbolized what we are, one. No matter the distance or time that seperates us, you said that as long as both of us had the twin rings, we would be one. In body, mind and soul we were one. You completed me, not in a cheesy, love story way but truly and deeply. I confided everything in you and trusted you completely. How many times have you broken that trust? How many times have you fucked me up without even knowing it? So fuck you. I'm done with it. I respect what I had with you enough to finish the scrap book I was making but everying that I write in it will be a lie. I feel nothing of the sort anymore. I'm done with you. The ring you gave me...I hadn't taken it off in more that 5 months but now it's off. It sits on my desk and will continue to sit there. Fuck you. I'm done. I'll finish the book, and that's it. My promises to you still stand simply because I refuse to not stand by my word. But I'm done. I will never call you. If you call me, I won't MAKE time as I used to. I'll talk if I'm not busy but that's it. My heart aches. I can't take anymore....just ONE time more around the loop with you, trusting you to have you betray me will be enough to send me over the edge. So fuck it. I'm done. And on a last note, fuck you. Find yourself a brother that won't care if you want to spend time with him or not. Find a guy that enjoys being used and abused. Find yourself a guy that enjoys pain because I'm finished with it. All of it. I'm so sick and tired of it...I can't stand it anymore. I'm done with it. |