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Was I wrong all along...? What is it really...? Can anyone give me an answer that I'll understand? How did it all go so wrong so fast...? As cynical and pessimistic as I used to be, I always believed that love between two people, whether they were joined by the love of family or the love between a man and woman, was a sacred and precious thing. No matter how bad things would get, in this one thing at least, I truly believed. That it was something precious and strong, that it was something that could overcome all boundaries and drive people past obstacles in their way. Consider, there have been numerous stories in the past about small, physically frail mothers who could perform amazing feats of strength when their children were in danger. In the same respect, our literature is chock full of stories where people overcome insurmountable obstacles in the name of love. Based on all of these references, is love not a sacred thing? Is it not something powerful in it's own right? Is it not something worth living for? Is it not something worth dying for? I say yes. Yes it is. I would die for one that I love and I'm sure that I'm not alone in thinking along these lines. Since I met you Carol, I thought that I knew what love was. Not love between a man and a woman, never think that, but love between family; between a brother and a sister. I thought that I'd finally found it. How many times have I openly told you that I would do anything to help you? That I would die for you? Didn't you know that I meant each and every word? I WOULD have done anything for you kid, and make no mistake, although I might have spent longer thinking about it, I would have died for you if that's what it took to save you. But no longer. In light of recent events my dear 'sister', it falls upon me to reconsider how I feel about you and how you must feel about me. If you truly loved me as you've claimed, would you...no, COULD you have been so careless and uncaring about how your actions might have affected me? About how I would feel when you've broken promise after promise and acted in such a way to make me think that you're ashamed of having me as a 'brother'? Whenever it was just the two of us, you would always be so quick to reassure me that nothing had changed and that you still loved me as you always have...but as soon as anyone else was around, you would never say or do anything to show that you 'loved' me and whenever I would do something that would show it, you would give me the oddest glance...as if to ask me what the hell I was thinking. I don't think that anyone has hurt me as much as you have in recent times, hell, even the shit going on with my parents didn't hurt as much. Based on all of these things kid, as much as I dont' want it to be true, I'm forced to conclude that you've never loved me...never REALLY loved me as a sister should love one she calls a brother. Without a doubt child, we've gotten really close, close enough to fool both of us but that's as far as it ever went. Closeness. We were pretty much as close as two friends could ever get and even that didn't last for too long did it? Less than half a year. And how long did it take for you to get as close to the other guys Carol? You got just as close to Jason, Charles, Danny in less time than it took for you and me. So what does that tell me kid? It tells me that what we had was nothing special. It tells me that just some everyday thing for you that you could toss aside so easily. From analyzing all of these things dear child, I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that you've never loved me. You might have thought that you loved me, but being perfectly honest kid, you never did. Love, true love, would have been stronger than that... And what of me? If I look at all that's happened and all that we've been through, did I love you? I thought that I did kid, honestly, I did. Excluding my sister, my real sister, I've never cared about ANYONE as much as I've cared about you. Not my cousins, not any other friends, none of the girls that I've been attracted to, hell, I think that I cared for you as much as I cared about my parents...but no longer. After all the shit that I've been through cause of you, I think that this past yearbook shit was the last straw. I've finished with you. Looking at it now though, I think that if I had really loved you, I wouldn't have given up so easily. I would hold on because despite how much it hurts, I would have loved you and that would have been enough to keep me going. I've done a lot for you do you know that? Do you realize what a big step it was for me? To care about someone so much? I used to walk you home for months, a walk that took me fifteen minutes to get there with you and another fifteen to walk back alone to a bus stop. But I didn't mind at all. The fifteen extra minutes in each day that I spent talking to you was worth it to me...even when the winter came and the temperatures dropped down the to minus 20's and the snow went up to my knees, it was worth it. You promised me that that ritual would never change, that even if you got a boyfriend someday and he wanted to walk you home instead, tha tyou would just tell him to go home because as much as I wanted to spend those fifteen minutes with you, you wanted to spend them with me too. Do you remember what happened when you started going out with Jason? When he showed up and the two of us walked you home? I asked you one time later that night on the phone why he came with us and you answered me, "well what was I supposed to do? Just tell him to go home? It's not like I ASKED him to come along..." And that hurt me. Why? Simply because it was EXACTLY what you had promised me you would do if the situation arose and you didn't. You didn't even give it a second thought when I stopped waiting for you after school; you asked me one time why I didn't meet up with you after school anymore and I gave you some bullshit answer about how I was more tired those days. But really, it was just pain. I didn't want to be continually reminded of the fact that you broke a promise made to ME, someone you claimed to love so I would just go home. When you and Jason broke up, it took me a week to get around to it, but eventually, I met up with you after school again and things went back to normal. It didn't change with the switch of semesters although anyone who knew me would know that I had the last two periods off. What does that mean? It means that every day for two weeks, I would finish school, and wait around alone for around three hours just to walk you home. Again, I felt that it was worth it. Even when your mom started picking you up every day I would still wait...just to see your face and to hear your voice, I would wait around until the end to school, spend five minutes with you before going home. Even that wasn't to last though...on the rare days that your mom DIDN'T come to pick you up, you'd go out and chill with other people. Selfish of my to think that you'd want to spend spare time with me right? I will admit that it was being selfish but can't you understand that I missed you? I never saw you, never talked to you except for a few minutes on the phone later on before you had to go and do something else. I missed you like hell...and now, looking back on it, I wonder why the hell I even bothered. If I loved you, truly loved you, would I have given everything up so easily now? I'd have to say that the answer is no. If I really loved you, I would have stuck with you to the end. So when all's been said and done, I don't think that I can honestly say that I've loved you either. I was close to you, but that's as far as it went. I don't think that I was ever really your brother...after we started drifting apart, you quickly got other people to take the role that I had filled unti then. Charles and Frank to hang out with and talk to at school, Danny to talk on the phone with every night...it hurt that you so quickly and smoothly replaced me kid. Were you really my sister? No...you weren't but you were close to it. Now that you're gone, there's noone else that I talk to on the phone at night. There's nobody else to whom I would simply give fifty bucks at the drop of a hat. There's nobody else that I would wait three hours for just to see them for five minutes on a regular basis. There's nobody else that I would do all the little things for that I've done for you. So did you love me? No. Did I love you? No. But no matter how many times you would contradict me, I know for a fact that I cared more for you than you did for me. So we didn't really love each other. We were never as close as brothers and sisters. We had nothing special and unique kid... So I guess I'm done, done analyzing and ranting and there's only one thing left to say kid. Despite the fact that you probably no longer care, despite the fact that we never really loved each other as family should, my promises that I've made to you, they still hold true...they always will. No matter what the future may hold, no matter how far apart we may grow, no matter how many times you've broken and may still break my heart, if you ever find yourself in a jam with nobody else to turn to, you can turn to me kid and I'll come running. After all, isn't that what brothers are for...? |