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Youth on a Hill I'm writing this now instead of on the day or the day after simply because I wanted to see what else would sink in if I gave myself time to think about it. On Friday June 27, 2003; I Perry Kim attended the event Youth on a Hill at Mel Lastman's Square. Sounds rather strange doesn't it? I've been a rather staunch atheist since the time I discovered what the word meant. And it's not like I just heard the definition and decided to become one, an atheist is something that I was for a very long time...I had just figured out a word for it. Over recent years, I've slowly come to terms with the idea that God may actually exist and that he may give a damn about me and my life. Even as i accepted this fact and even as I let the people who cared help me on my path to faith, it was still hard for me to attend religious events. The two that I've been to recently, the BBQ thing and YOAH, I always felt that it was a waste of my time to go for it was obvious that the other people there got so much more out of it than I ever did. For them, they were surrounded by their fellow christians and the light of a God that they believed in but fo rme...I always felt that I was surrounded by people that I could never understand...and people who could never understand me. Faith, and the lack of it are things that cannot be adequately explained with words. I can explain why I don't believe until the sun cools and still not be sure that I got my point across properly. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a fundamental gap between those who do and do not believe...this gap becomes large and pronounced at large events like Youth on a Hill. Being at YOAH did a few things to me...the immediate effects was a feeling of discomfort, I felt cold and alone amidst the thousands of people who lived and breathed their faith in God and Christ. Being there really hit it home exactly how different I was from these people...how far I would have to go before I could believe as they did. Despair set in...how could someone like me...a pessimistic cynical bastard ever hope to be one of them? What would it take? Despite the fact that I felt so...alone there, there was another thought that occupied my mind. As the songs were being sung, as thousands of people sang, jumped up and down and raised their arms in praise, I couldn't help but wonder...could something that was not real, could a LIE so so much for these people? Could something based upon a lie possibly affect so many people in such a profound way over all these years? Let's take a moment to think of Ockham's Razor. The simplest solution is most likely to be true. The simplest solution to my question? The answer would be no; if it was based on a lie, after 2000 years, it would have been discovered by now. Watching all those people hopping up and down while singing and clapping, I wondered yet again, what held me back? What was it that prevented me from being one of these people? The only answer I could find? Nothing. Nothing was holding me back and yet, for some reason, I persisted to stay as an unbeliever. Sure, I tell people that I don't believe yet because I'm afraid of leaving behind something I've believed in all these years but what exactly is that? Nothing. I believed in nothing, nothing is preventing me FROM believing...and yet, I don't. Nothing is stopping me, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain and yet...nothing. It hurts a bit when I'm at places like that...places around a whole bunch of believers at once. To see them so easily live with something that I am unable to find. Sigh...what's wrong with me? |