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Peace at last... Which way does it run? Is it happiness that follows sorrow or is it the other way around? If it's happiness that follows sorrow, then for a while at least, I can rest easy. If it's the other way around...well, at least I'll have this good night to keep me strong... I met with Carol today...it almost didn't happen though...I called before I left for driving school, planning on catching up with her for lunch and then going to the class but she didn't answer the phone then...as it is, I'm glad it turned out this way instead. After four hours in that air conditioned boring hell of driving classes, on my way out...on impulse, I called her again and this time she answered. And so, the plan was born, to meet at Don Mills Center for dinner. The entire bus ride there...I kept wondering to myself if it was really a good idea...but it wouldn't matter at that point...the die had been cast... So I get there...I give her a call and yet again, she doesn't pick up and at this point, I just let loose a mental sigh, got my dinner and waited. I waited a while, and for a minute there, I thought that she wouldn't come...but come she did, running up with a breathless explanation of how she had to run back home because she forgot my cds, then she had to run back and so on...then she darted off to grab something to drink. She came back...by that time, I was done with my meal and we talked for a while...talked about the trust that had been lost and misplaced between us...talked about other things...about how she could understand my anger, my hatred towards her...we talked of forgiveness...of friendship and the things that we once had... For a while there...I thought I would lose her completely...while speaking of trying to reconcile...of trying to just be sort of friends, she almost withdrew right then...but someho...got past that one too... We walked around the mall then...talking, joking and laughing like old times...as if none of this had ever happened...it was a good feeling...to coin a term, it really made me feel all warm and cuddly inside ^.^ Walking around, ran into her parents...obviously said hi, met her dad for the first time too. Joked around with them quite a while...it was sorta scary to find out how much her mother remembered o.o Afterward...as it was getting dark, I walked her home, the way we always used to do...and oh the memories that came flooding back during that walk...of all the things that we talked about...of the silly things that we did with the wind and the snow...of the talks and the promises made on that stretch of land that lead to her home... We sat on the curb in front of your house for a while...just talking, first of the new problems that I had, then the recent problems that I had...and it was nice you know? Thinking on the day that I would slowly get back together with her, I always imagined that it would be harder...that our movements would be reluctant and awkward...that our conversations would be filled with lengthy pauses and hard to continue...but it wasn't like that at all. It was exactly like picking up where we had last left off...as if the problems hadn't ever occured...it felt like coming home... Near the end of things...I took a moment to just look at her...to drink in the sight of her face...to remember all the things that I had been missing for the past two and half months. My stare was obvious enough to draw her attention and suddenly made nervous, she giggled self-consciously while giving me a strange look. Then, RIGHT then, I knew that things would work out...that they would go back to normal, to the way things were if only I would put a foot forward and TRY...and so, right then in that moment, I did. I held out my hand and without hesitation, she took it and held it fast. I let her know then...once again, that just as before, if she ever needed me, that I would be there for her... Her parents were soon seen strolling up the sidewalk hand in hand...and so, after a brief exchange of words with her parents...I left... Why is it that I'm giving her another chance? How is it that I find myself well on the road to trusting her again after all the pain that I suffered because of her? I don't really know...maybe because she told me that even when we were seperated this summer...she continued to think of me when she needed comfort or security...? Maybe because even after two months of trying to convince myself that I never wanted to see her again, it only took ten minutes for old patterns to reassert themselves and for me to feel perfectly at ease around her...maybe because in all this time, she's always trusted me the same as she always had... I'm starting to trust her again now...simply because in some ways, nothing has changed...and for another, as sad as it may sound, I don't want to lose this girl that used to be so important to me, and still is... The ring...it sits on my desk where I had left it...untouched for the past two months...and I sit here, at my desk, staring at it...wondering if I dare to put it back on again, knowing what it might bring... That one at least...about the ring, I'm gonna think on it some more...but at the very least, I know that it CAN work out well again...if only I try...and I will. I will. |