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I don't understand it at all I find myself suddenly at a loss. Today was a normal day, or relatively normal. I woke up around 11-12, took care of some crap on the comp, played some games, had lunch...all normal things. Gloria, my cousin, picked me up around 1:30 and she nicely drove me down to the UTSC campus where I picked up my student card and asked about a few small details about the deferrment of my tuition fees. I bussed home, noting the route that I took so that I would be able to retrace my steps. I happily discovered that the entire trip from home to the campus would take me about half an hour...that's half the time it took me to get to high school. So that was fairly normal...I got home, finished unlocking crap in Soul Calibur 2, tried fixing my CS numerous times to no avail and by that time, angel was back on so I talked to her briefly before going downstairs to eat dinner. I ate dinner and somewhere between the time that I started eating and finished washing the dishes...a strange mood came over me. I was sad. Not just... 'oh I can't find anything to eat' sad or 'aw stupid game I died again' sad but more along the lines of, 'fuck, my family just died' kind of sad. There was no rhyme or reason...I just...realized, suddenly, out of the blue that I was feeling REALLY fucking sad. It just came to me. It felt almost as if...my mind had decided, 'okay, today, we're gonna be sad.' and hadn't informed ME of it. Nothing had happened today or in recent memory that could possibly account for it and I honestly don't think that it's any outside influence that's getting to me right now. Thinking about it though, I don't really think that there's anything IN my head that could account for this either. I just feel so unexplainably sad right now...and I still don't know why. It's actually starting to piss me off a bit now and that's good. I can deal with anger a lot better than I can deal with sadness and depression. I mean, what the fuck is my problem anyways? I got a new life to start with university, Carol's sort of my close friend again, I've found a few songs that I've been looking for a while, been drunk, new games to play, fucking NOTHING is wrong and I'm sad anyways. What the hell does it take for me to be happy anyways? I hate myself so much at times like these...really, I do. Like, what's so wrong with me that I can't be happy at times like these you know? Fucking NOTHING is wrong and I still feel like shit...it sucks. Sigh...I feel a bit better now, after talking to Jen for a while...and another plus for today, I DID find your cell number again Juliette, even though you didn't recognize me :P but sokay, I'm just glad you're not in a hospital or something eh? The fact that you were moving into res didn't even occur to me for a while there so I was getting sorta worried. But anyways, that's enough for today... |