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Will I ever get it? How many times have I walked up and down both sides of the whole issue of faith, belief and God? How many more times will I have to go before I either FIND Him or give up the whole thing as impossible? The more I think about it, the more it drives me up the wall and closer to madness. How many times and with how many people will I range over these arguments? What drives me nuts about these little arguments is just this, almost all the time, no matter who I argue with, we're both trying to prove the same point. The infuriating thing about it is just that. The debate or the argument is moot as soon as you start but we keep going anyways. Of course, whoever I'm arguing with, neither of us realize that the argument is pointless but we go on and on around in a circle for almost an hour before either of us realize it. People wonder how I can WANT to believe in God but don't. I simply point to the horrific events going on in the world and ask how a kind a loving God can inflict such pain upon his children. And then of course, comes out the standard argument of the 'free will' thing and about how he loves us ENOUGH to let us do such fucking awful things to each other and ourselves. God is omniscient right? So he KNOWS exactly how things will turn out. Regardless of whether we THINK we have free will or not, i find that retarded as well. Just because WE think of it as free will doesn't necessarily make it so. As long as something...ANYTHING knows how ANY event in the future will play out, free will is voided because that same event cannot be played out any other way. In that case, while the people involved will believe that the decision was their's to make alone, as long as God knows how the end result will be, it can no longer really be called free will. We as humans THINK of such a thing as free will because we know nothing better. As for the original point, doesn't it seem a little TOO convenient to anyone else but me? Anything good is God's love, anything bad is...also God's love because he loves us enough to blow each other to bits; to torture our 'brothers and sisters in Christ' and to go out performing genocide in his name. How is that loving? How is that caring? How does such a convoluted doctrine inspire so many followers? How does that make ANY kind of sense? I wrote an entire rant about this very subject once...a point I eventually brought up in there was that it seemed as if the whole free will angle is used to explain away so many things that SHOULD NOT BE. Tortures, murders, wars, all of it explained away by free will and how he loves us enough to let us fucking kill each other. How the bloody fuck does that make any kind of sense at all? Would you let your own kid do that? Because you love em just as much, would you let them do whatever they want? Love them enough to to give them free will when you KNOW that they dont' know any better? Parents caught at such acts would end up being charged as incompetent. Sigh..I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...does any of the stuff I say actually make SENSE at all? Does ANYONE else see what it is that I'm trying to say? I feel so alone in my beliefs sometimes...not quite an atheist anymore, but at the same time, I cn't really say that I'm any kind of believer...so what am I? What does that make me? These days, all I need is a bit of time and my own thoughts to sink into depression...too many doubts and worries in my mind I guess. How do I solve such a problem? 'Find God, he will take care of you.' . . . Great...just great... |