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Thoughts This is a sorta 'after the fact' kinda deal wherein I'm not unhappy at the MOMENT but I was about a week ago and didn't have the time, inclination or peace of mind to actually get around to writing about it. And I WILL write about it...some would think that such things are best left forgotten after they're done with but I want to...no, I think I NEED to keep this in mind, in the hopes of preventing such a thing from happening again in the future. Long story short, I messed up. For a while...whenever talking to Jane, whenever Helen came up, I was all praise. Why? I don't really know...I really thought that way. While sure, some things WERE exaggerated obviously, but for the most part, the way I see her matches most of the stuff that I would express. I never thought that it was that bad though... Jane erupted at me about a week ago now. Told me that it was getting to be a bit much how I went on and on and on about Helen whenever she came up in conversation. And she was right you know? Even earlier that night, she'd say something REALLY good about her, as a joke, I guess to try and show me just how far I was going with that stuff but unknowing, I'd take it seriously and actually freaking AGREE with her...so you know what? I can perfectly understand how she got to a breaking point. Hell, if someone did that to me, I would have snapped too...and come to think of it, I DID. Carol did the same thing to me about a close friend of mine and I was pretty pissed...so why didn't I realize what I was doing to her until it was too late? So that was my first mistake. My second was in being a fucking coward and trying to run from the problem instead of facing it like I should have. How many times have I told other people with problems that they won't go away if they hide from them? How many people have I told to stand and face their problems head on? God...I'm such a fucking hypocrite... So I ran...like a fucking coward, I ran from it and I hid from the two of them...that's when I made another mistake...I blocked the two of them, to try distance myself for a while but didn't think about blocking off other people who knew both...namely, Brian. And wow hey, messed up again, ended up hurting close friends...that's always fun -.- So I stayed away for two days, talked with Juliette of course...and here and there with Jen through offline messaging on ICQ :P The time I took away from the two of you...the time I thought would help me become more objective about the whole thing...it didn't do a thing. The time I spent away from you Helen was yet another messup...I didn't learn anything new and revolutionary about myself...I didn't really manage to distance myself from you in any way...I didn't find out a way to make things all better...I accomplished nothing. But honestly...what the hell was I doing you know? No matter how many ways I look at it, it always comes down to this. Jane got pissed at me because basically, I was obsessing over Helen. Simple as that. Now I ask you, the fuck was wrong with me? And considering the fact that pretty much nothing has changed, what the fuck IS wrong with me? One would think that I could learn to be more objective...or less vocal about such things for fear of...well...scaring the shit outta people around me.. -.- Sigh...I really don't know what's becoming of my mind. While I'm on the subject...the hell is wrong with OTHER people's minds huh? Ya know...just because you love someone as a friend and treat them accordingly doesn't mean that you like them or want to start up a relationship in any way...honestly people, it IS possible to love someone without liking them. At seperate points in time, I've been accused of having fallen for Jen, Carol, Ava, Juliette, and Helen all because...well...fuck, I don't even know why. It's always the same things...that I seem to be really fond of them, that I'm seen with them or talk to them so much..that I spend so much time with them...that I say only good shit about them...honestly, can't I act that way without my intentions being mistaken? The first few times, it doesn't get to me. But after they insist over and over and they know...they know... Sigh...not that there's anything wrong with it, God forbid I mean, you're all amazing...but after a while, you get tired of people who insist that they know better than you do what goes on in your head. I'll tell you all right now that there is NOBODY that knows what's going on in this head of mine...not even me. Sigh...it's nothing really big...it's not something that bugs me an awful lot and I never used to understand WHERE the hell people got such crazy ideas...until all this stuff...I can sort of see how people get these impressions cause I fucking obsess over these people...could I really blame anyone for thinking along those lines? Can I really? Whatever...doing my best to put this behind me...I know that Helen probably doesn't really understand why I'm making such a big deal out of it...Juliette, you said that it was just an accident, that I can't really blame myself and Jane...you for some reason think it was your fault. I still blame myself...for your pain and anger and all that shit..I still feel bad about it... |