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The burden of memories... Today was the first day in which there was a fairly heavy snofall that I was awake to appreciate. I had planned out my day, to go to school to grab the books for my last exam this coming Friday, and to stop by at the mall on the way home to finish up my Christmas shopping. I was...okay I guess in the morning. Nothing unusual, just the same as I always am. On the ride to school is when the headache started, one of those ones that get so bad that you start feeling nauseous you know? So there I was, on the bus with eyes closed trying not to throw up when after visiting the shcool, I finally hit Scarborough Town Center. I do my shopping in my usual fashion, a quick in and out of two stores and back on my way out...made me feel like I was wasting a bus ticket. On the way out...the area from the mall to the bus station is one that's covered but it has huge window style things on both sides, giving the shopper a view of the parking lot and I could see, it was snowing... It wasn't just a piddling bit of snow that was falling but a nice snowfall...the kind that I wait for every year to take a walk through just for the sake of walking in the snow. Usually...hell, up until now, such a snowfall would be a great occasion for me...it always used to make me so happy to see the snow falling so gently on the world...but not this time. Seeing that...seeing the snow falling, all I could think about was Carol. The one thought that was ripping around my mind was that the last time I had seen something like this...it had been with her at my side; in heart and soul if not actually in person. The last time I had seen the snow falling like this...she had been as big a part of my life as breathing and thinking is to me now. More than that though, I dont' know anyone else who seemed to enjoy the snowfalls as much as I did. Last year, last winter in weather like this at school, all it would take was a single look. If snow started falling in the middle of a schoolday, the next time I saw her, whether it was in the hallways or passing by her classroom, all it would take was a look. I'd see her, she'd see me and just like that, there was an unspoken yet undeniable agreement to go out and walk around outside when school ended. Typically it would be me, walking calmly with my hands out on either side to catch the falling snowflakes while she hopped and bounced around, rushing around to feel them on her face or walking with upturned head and open mouth to catch them on her tongue. How did things get so bad so fast...? My joy and happiness in seeing the snow faling will be torn with the memory of the times that I spent with her in the same conditions. What was it about me that made me so easy to cast aside when something more appealing came along...? What used to be my favorite day of the year, the first largescale snowfall of winter, is nothing but a shadow of what it was. All because of her...her who cast me aside so quickly. Fuck...I would have died for that kid without a second thought...was that not enough? How could she just throw my life away like that...? I would have died for her...do you have any idea what it's like to have that thrown away? Not only thrown away, but in the process, tainting something that used to be such an uplifting event for me... Sigh... Maybe it was too much you think? Was I too much to deal with? Did I demand too much of her? Expect too much...? As much as I would like to be able to say "no, it was all her fault." I know that I can't...that somehow, I have a part to play and a responsibility to myself to shoulder some of the blame for how something that seemed so good went so sour, so fast... I don't know anymore...Forget it...I can't think about this shit now or I'm gonna fuck up my focus for the studying that I'm going to HAVE to do tomorrow... Just forget it... |