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I feel...odd I've been feeling really strange today. I don't know how exactly I feel or what it is that triggered it but that inexplicable loneliness/sadness that hit me before seems to be back for a while. I've felt this way before a few times...but only on a few occassions has it been strong enough for me to even bother noting...the other times, it was sort of a background emotion. Now...I just feel really alone. The strange thing is, I know that I'm not. I know that I have people that care about me and I know that they would be there for me if I happened to need them but I feel this way anyways. Lonely...sort of isolated. I've been thinking...that maybe it has to do with my sister. She's been here since the winter holidays started and she left just this evening to go back up to London. I hate her...just as all siblings should hate each other. I hate her for being annoying sometimes...and for knowing how to rub me the wrong way and for a whole bunch of little things that aren't really worth mentioning. But I like having her around too...usually for the same reasons. To have someone in the house that I can interact with on a daily basis (I'm not even considering my mom for this so don't even ask :P), someone who's voice I can actually hear each day and just knowing and being able to see that she cares is always a good thing. And...she's gone now...probably be another month at least before I see her again... So yeah, you know what? That could be a big part of why I'm feeling this way. Another thing...I got an email from Carol today. In it, she wishes me a late happy holidays, gives me her new phone number and makes a small joke about how we never talk at all these days... This saddened me. I don't know why it would...I mean, she's trying isn't she? Even if it's just a little bit...she's trying... but it still gets to me. You'd think that something like this would be a cause for a good feeling day you know? I mean, after all...who wouldn't be happy that an old friend was trying to get in touch with you again right...? Apparently I would be someone who is not made happy by this. I don'treally know why...and I can't put it into words if I tried but this little note and effort from her does not make me happy. It doesn't make me jump for joy and hell, it doesn't even really comfort me that much. I just feel loss. It seems like I'm regaining her friendship...but all I feel is loss. I've been trying so hard to just forget her and everything that's happened between us and hey, presto. Here she comes again with a small gesture. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to try again? Should I place my trust in her with wild abandon as I did before, trusting that she would never do something like that again? Or instead, should I try and proceed very carefully knowing that she could rip me apart just as easily as before? Or hell, maybe the real question to ask is should I bother trying at all? I mean, chances are, it ended horribly once...and seeing as how I haven't changed at all since then, I would have to rely solely on her to not let that happen again and that would mean to just place my full trust, once again, into something that seems to be as wild and capricious as the wind. While this sort of appeals to the angsty, self-destructive, romantic in me...the rest of me doesn't want that at all. So that's getting on my case again...and for the last... I'm finding it hard to interact with people. And I dont' mean in just dealing with the larger issues of life, I'm talking about every kind of interaction, even down to the small daily conversations. I can't really say when it's started...honestly, it's just sort of creeped up on me out of nowhere and I KNOW that I didn't feel this way a month or two ago. These days...I'm finding it hard to interact with people. I find it hard to carry on normal conversations with people. I'm finding it hard to figure out how I should act around people and so on and so on. The whole nine yards I guess. And it's not just a matter of not knowing what to say or do at a given moment either. These days, I feel a vague discomfort when I'm talking with people. Nothing really big and nothing that I can pin down but just...a bit of anxiety maybe? And just as vague is the tiny burst of relief that passes by almost unnoticed when the conversation or the interaction ends. I've never been that much of a social person...but even for me, this is getting out of hand. I dont' know what's causing it...maybe it's just a matter of getting closer to people cause I know that I don't feel this way with my sister or with any of you that read this but with pretty much everyone else...I feel a discomfort with each passing moment and sometimes, even with you people, I feel unease...frequent occasions when I don't know what to say or do...sound familiar? I gotta fix myself, I really do...it's just a matter of figuring out exactly what's wrong with me...any help? |