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Church Community... Went to Merge this sunday. Was asked along by Ava over the previous week and it was held at sunday evening at the Bayview Glen place. It was a service that was oriented towards students in university and late high school. I did a lot of thinking there, while they sang and prayed and while there was a bit of speaking going on, I just tried to think. For a while, I couldn't figure out why I was there all of a sudden. I mean, I knew that I was there and that I was going to stay until it had finished up but I just honestly didn't have a reason as to why I was there in the first place. Since I decided to actively search for a religion and a faith, nothing has changed. I've been to a bunch of events, heard Matt speak at a couple Somang outings in my last year at DMCI, went to Youth on a Hill, attended a one or two events held at the churches of friends and from the beginning until now, I can sense almost no change within me on the topic. I feel pretty much the same way about church and God and just faith and spirituality in general. The only thing that I can even recognize as having changed is that I'm a litle more perceptive with regards to small coincidences because, hey, you never know, they could be 'signs' from God right? I look at them and for them more these days...but other than that, nothing has changed. I don't REALLY feel any closer, nor do I feel any further than I've ever been. Juliette's take on it was that maybe if I stopped "church-hopping" (that's a great phrase, so fitting) I might have a better and more grounded sense of belonging maybe? Strange in a way because there's never really been a church that I could call 'mine' ya know? Anytime that I've told someone else (ie, mom) that I'm going to church, the first question has always been 'which one?' So I guess that in a very real sense, I have no church, and with that, no church community to call my own. This sheds light on the whole signs thing because Just this sunday, the speaker, Dervan I think his name was, did a bit on the church community from the time of the apostles till now and what really made a community a community. Also at Merge...a strange little coincidence, while all that singing was going on.... Well, anyone that I've talked to about this knows that it's mainly the singing that gets me down at these kind of events... -.- Mainly because THAT'S when I feel the most left alone or left out or left behind...am I making any sense at all? I mean, there's a roomful of about 20-30 people all singing together...and theeeen, you've got me, just kinda standing around looking SO much like I don't. But anyways, while they were singing, I remember distinctly wondering to myself why I was here? I mean, it's not like I knew any of the songs...and the ones I did know, they were songs that I've heard from other events. (Strange fact that, I know most of the songs they sung o.o creepy...) And JUST as I finished thinking that thought they switch to a new song and hey lookit that, it's "I Can Only Imagine" -.- Judging from the silence around me as the song was played out, I could tell that it was a new song for their little group and confirmed that by asking Ava later on. Do you see what I mean about the little signs? I just really dont know what to make of them. If it's read by you...the two of you are probably nodding right along, 'a sign from God...definately a sign from God.' Of course though, nothing good ever really lasts and the sort of...wondering bewilderment that was brought upon by that little coincidence was erased with the speaker going on and on about how the fact that everyone in the room was so different from each other didn't matter because 'we all have the most important thing in common...our faith in Christ'....man, YOU think about that. I doubt that two of you in particular would understand but just THINK or guess how left out that made me feel...roomful of people that I dont' know...and none of that matters cause we have just the ONE most important thing in common...wait a minute, I DON'T have that in common...what's that mean? If the thing before was a sign, is this a sign too? I mean, c'mon...a clearer indication of 'YOU DON'T BELONG HERE', I ain't NEVER seen... |