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I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I feel retarded even writing this up after all, what is this little place but a place to get attention? Fuck, if I could be bothered to fix up that 'attention whore' gif, I'd put my face on it and watch that fucking thing as penance for being so thick-headed and blind. Know what? Fuck it. I can't do this. . . . No, I don't want to just run from it either just cause I don't want to face up to it. The urge to run is seriously fucking strong...even now, if I honestly look at it dead on, I'm fairly sure that even if I DO face it, it won't change anything...I won't act any differently. The problem? My selfishness. Jane pointed it out...I started getting worked up about it, told her to just be honest with me and she was...she was. I got worked up some more and now....well now I know for SURE that I"m a selfish little fuck simply BECAUSE I got so worked up about it :P So if you've read the post in the Shadow, you know about the whole mom moving out thing...It's been brought to my attention that I'm being a selfish fuck about the whole thing...Here my mom is, moving out to make a living so that I can live AND stay in the stupid house.....and I don't care. Or I don't FEEL like I care which is basically the same thing. Isn't that sad...? The logical process a while ago was that not caring would keep me from being fucking depressed all the time everytime I thought about how slooowly fucked up my life is getting...so I stopped caring. But then...as a result of that, I've turned into one SERIOUSLY selfish piece of shit when it comes to dealing with my mom. Like...if I really stop and think about it? Like...WOW I'm BAD. And I don't mean as in the way adults say to little kids when they break a rule or two, I'm talking like fucking...satanist marching into the mother church of Vatican City with a thermonuclear weapon kind of bad ya know? Like...fuck, if my mom was NOT my moma nd just like some friend...I'd have lost a friend a long time ago. Fuck this sucks... Even worse...I'm questioning the wisdom of the whole project thing to. Talked to Joyce and realized something. All this stuff that I've written....like, it's all canned. Like...it's NOTHING new, no surprises, no kinds of plot twists, just same old story recycled with new characters and settings but always the same old melodramatic, pretentious bullshit. And what kind of gift would that make anyways? Fuck...I'm thinking of just scrapping the whole thing or hey, better yet. I'll write their deaths. That'd be a surprise ending at least... -.- |