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Turning 20 So I'm 20 now. About a third of my life has just passed me by and damn...while it may BE long...it seems to have gone by in the wink of an eye. What have I learned? I'm not sure...I think that I"m the same now as I was a month ago. Maybe a little older...a little more knowledgeable but definately not wiser. Not in the least... I don't know if this is where and how I expected to end up as when I was little. Just like Brian had written, I'd always wanted to grow up faster when I was little...you know? To be a big boy I guess. To be able to get into movies and drive like I'd seen my dad do. With that longing also came a dissatisfaction of life as it was and the desire to change it...to make it better in some undreamed of way. It was also an unwise way. The constant wanting to grow up, all it did to me was make me not happy with what I had then and now. I'm a little smarter now, so in that way I've grown. I can look back on my past and realize the mistakes I've made, the places and times that I'd fucked up and would give almost anything now to go back and make right. I can even see all the times that I had a chance to make myself better...and opportunity to grow and mature as a good person...and I can see the younger me just passing those opportunities by. I would like to go back...to change those events and times and to hopefully be a better person when I got back to this point. Maybe be a person that my friends and family could be proud to know, to be a person that could truly appreciate all that I was given by life. I want to be someone that people can be proud to know...someone that people want to remember and won't forget about and looking at my own life now, I'm not sure that it's come to pass. At this age...looking back on the past, I grieve for those chances missed which could have helped me grow, to help make me better. I see similar chances now in life and I just let them go...because I've grown accustomed to letting them go. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks and now, sitting here 20 years and one day after I was born...I feel pretty fucking old. This year and yesterday should have been no different from any other...after all, in the end, when all's been said and done, I'm only a day older than I was yesterday right? But somehow...I feel that this isn't the case. I get the feeling that I've been asked and expected to grow and mature from the child I was to the adult that I wish I could be overnight. It's a strange feeling...I can feel people's expectations surrounding me the way water surrounds a fish and it's all that I can do to keep from just screaming out that I can't change...but the thing is, I know that I can. If I can work up the courage to try...I'm pretty sure that I could change. To be someone people will be proud to know... To be someone people will want to remember... To be someone that people won't forget... To be more than I am right now I guess... That was my one wish... We'll see if it comes true... |