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Strange... I'm softening up. I don't know what's happening to me these days. I've always prided myself on having a thick shell. Like...if I were some kind of nut, I'd be like a walnut or something...you can't break me open by just throwing me around or pulling with your fingers, nooooo; to get ME open, you gotta break out the giant metal caliper looking things and just squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. And even then, I wouldn't be split wide open you know? Just a crack; then you'd have to pull and pry and shit and ONLY then would I ever open up. That's slowly been changing...and I'm writing about it here because I'm not sure that I like it all that much. I think that I sort of liked being the way that I was. Indifferent and cold because quite frankly, you feel less that way. And yes, while it's true that you feel less happiness and joy, the pain doesn't hurt as much and the bad memories...when they DO come (which is less often) it's more like you're watching it happen through a TV or something rather than reliving the experience. I find that I'm less like that these days...like, don't any of you take this the wrong way or nothing, but these last few weeks and months, I've been getting more and more emotional, all of it seeming to have started from that time that I had those WEIRD mood swings for about a week or two. So what're the effects of this? The practical effects? I find that the things that would make me happy...make me happier than they used to, which is a GOOD thing without question. But everything in life is balanced right? I also find that the things that piss me off and the things that...well, disappoint or make me feel bad make me feela LOOOT worse than it used to...and I'm not sure in this case if the good outweighs the bad. I mean...just the litle things, the small things that I would have easily brushed off before, they stick in my mind and buzz around my head for days and weeks at a time. Even for things that are JUST in my head...like, they're not really THAT bad but dwelling on it for so long has that effect of making shit seem worse you know? I don't know how to deal with it...not at all. All the good effects...that sort of came to a head on my birthday when I was surprisingly happy for most of the day. All the bad came to a head a few days ago when I woke up from a nap and felt SO alone and desperately wanted to be hugged...and I still sorta do. I don't know WHERE this feeling comes from and I have no idea why I feel this way. i don't think that I should...I mean, I have friends that care about me...and life for the moment seems to be going okay but man...that day, just when I woke up; I felt so lonely... I don't think that I've ever felt that alone in my entire life. Even now, it's only gone down to sort of bearable levels. Still feel alone... Do you see what I mean by softening up? A month and a half ago, I don't think that I would have admitted that. Why? Cause it sounds so fucking WEAK >.< I should be stronger than that...I should be able to deal with my shit on my own without having to ask for help or need to be comforted. I should be able to handle this loneliness and this strange craving for a hug on my own without help...without advice, just...on my own. But I don't think that I can. I don't think I can and that scares me so much...why? Why you might wonder....and I'll tell you why. Not being able to take care of shit on your own means that you have to start depending on people...and depending on people means trusting them more. Trusting people more...I don't know. I just can't see myself doing it. I think that there are enough people around me that I trust...well, not 'around' me but you know what I mean... The little things get to me...the little things that I used to be able to brush off and ignore now stick in my mind and make me think about it for so long... I find also, that I care more about my friends...and to be honest, not really all of them...just like, you guys, you know? The others....all the rest of them, they're still the same. I just can't find it in myself to REALLY care about them you know? I care about them just as much as I used to but you guys....like, wow. I don't know if you've noticed or not but it's enough for me to mark a difference... But in the same respect, what good is that when I find that I still can't really say that I care about my mom and dad? My mom...I'm trying just a bit to be nicer and to actually talk back to her instead of staying silent and letting her assume agreement but it's definately not as much as I COULD do you know? It's just all that I'm willing to do...and as for my dad well, I haven't talked to him in months now... So what's that say about me you know? What good is it being there for your friends and being so nice to them when you act like a piece of shit around your parents? . . . I'm a sad and confused little man... -.- |