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Alone As a followup to how I was feeling yesterday, I feel worse today. Does it come as a big surprise? It's kind of strange...I always figured that being disappointed when you're already feeling like shit would affect a guy less than when he's happy. I thought that the former depression already in place would act as a sort of buffer for the new things that piss him off and that they'd hit him less hard. I find myself to be in error. Getting disappointed by people not following up when you expect them to is a definate pissoff when one is in a shitty mood. It has the end result of making me think to myself, "you know what? Why do I even bother...?" I told a couple of you over the course of the past week about how badly I was craving to be hugged by someone that I knew cared...here's some good news then. The craving is gone. Yeah, that's right, I no longer need...or even want to be held. My need was satisfied not by the fulfillment of that wish, but by the continued absence of it. Back last year...when Carol got to know me well, on more than one occasion, she'd throw up her arms in exasperation after something that I'd said and say, "you're such a GUY!" When I last talked to her, she commented on the fact that I seemed to have softened up a bit since that time, that I wasn't really 'such a guy' anymore. That too has changed. I've come to realize that relying on others for comfort and succor in times of need is one of the surest ways of getting disappointed and disjointed. Because as much as people claim to be there for you and as much as they say that they WILL be there for you, in the end, you gotta think to yourself that these people have their own lives to live and rare is the friend that will drop everything on a dime to come and help you when you need it. So fuck it. Dependance can go take a running jump at a deep cliff and fucking die for all I care. Being 'such a guy' is quite frankly the best way to get by. The only person that I can ever really know is me, myself and I. Claiming to be able to REALLY know anyone other than me is nothing but an exercise in futile hopes and dreams. So fuck it all...better to just be independant. If you're on your own, then you can't be disappointed by the people around you. Better to just be a tough piece of shit than an open and vulnerable to every little thing. Better to just be 'such a guy'... |