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Troubles sleeping... I'm beginning to have some trouble falling asleep at night. I find it strange and slightly disturbing because I never had this problem before. With me, when I decided that it was time to sleep, I'd lie down on my bed (or whatever handy surface that was present), close my eyes and lie there for a moment; most nights, after about a minute or two, I would turn to my side (either one, it didn't really matter), and half curl up beneath my blankets and in another minute, I was out like a light. One moment, I would be awake wondering when I would fall asleep and the next moment, I would be waking up. To quote from Stephen King, it was just "bang, outta the blue and into the black." Things are different now. I decide to sleep, lie down on my bed and just...lay there. I would stare in the dark gloom, at my ceiling, at the dim, ghostly blobs of dark grey that was my windows and just...lay there. I could turn to my side but to no avail, one way, I'd end up just staring at the wall, and the other way, staring into the darkness of my room and the dim shapes of my desk and television. I wish that I could be "making friends with shadows on my wall," except that there are none. So I toss, and turn, no position feeling really comfortable, yet no position really making me that uneasy. I'll move around, maybe lying on only one side of the bed, try my head on different parts of the pillow and finally, let out a sigh, flop onto my back and just resign myself to staring at the black ceiling. I'd stare and stare and stare, and I'd begin to see things. Nothing really clear or anything, just dim, amphorous shapes would begin to suggest themselves to me. Just, vaguely suggestive of real shapes and I'd spend a while trying to pick them out. I mean, what else was I going to do right? What's kept me up these last few nights...just 'methinks' I guess. Thinking about my pride, as mentioned to me by others. And you wanna know why this is stuck on my mind so much? It's simply due to the fact that I was COMPLETELY oblivious to it. I had no idea that it was there and that disturbs me a great deal. Something that was enough for two seperate people to comment on...how could I have not noticed it? I'm hurting or pissing people off with the issue of my pride and I didn't even know it!! >.< It may not seem like that big of a deal...but it just really, REALLY bugs me that I had absolutely no clue...I lie there at night thinking about what else I could be totally fucking up with and not know about you know? It bugs me... |