|
|
|
|
     |
Sigh... So hey...after pretty much a full month, here we are again; sitting together, me and you, talking about how life treats us. When it comes down to it though, you don't really need to ask do you? Most times, silence can be far more eloquent than any words or combinations of words that could be put together under the sun and I can only hope that from my prolonged silence with most of you, you've come the correct conclusions. Even now though, I wonder. Did any of you notice? Or indeed, even care...with that, I guess I should apologize because the things that I'm saying may lead you to believe that I have a fairly low impressin of you and I assure you that it's not the case. It's become a bit of a pattern of behaviour for me...and if you find that it's a more consistant pattern than you care for, I guess the only excuse I can offer is that after it happens a bunch of times, one finds it hard to react differently to the same situations and the same stimuli. I think that I'll just skip all the vague musings for a while and get into specifics. For starters, as many of you probably dont know, Natasha (my cousin), called to invite me to my grandmother's birthday about...two to three weeks ago now. After I told her that I wouldn't be making an appearance, she wrote me an email about how she felt about the whole matter. She wrote about how she didn't really expect me to say yes, she wrote about how she had a little image in her mind of me just kind of showing up to the party out of the blue and my dad hugging me in tears or some fucked up bullshit along those lines and she devoted the larger portion of her email to tell me how unfair she found it that I would happily visit the cousins on my mother's side of the family while I pretty much avoided any family functions on my father's side like the plague. She thought that if I was going to ignore the existence of my father's side of the family, it would only be fair to ignore the other side as well. I still don't think she understands rightly, that I'm not ignoring the one side of the family just cause my parents split. If that was the only reason, then yes, she would be right and I should be ignoring both sides of my family. Tis only right and fair but that's NOT all. I'm still pissed off at the fact that my dad up and lied right to my face. Simple and clean, in a nutshell, that's what did it. I like to think that I've come a long way from the kid I was. The kid who used to wish death upon those who teased him and the kid who would spite his friends after they ditched him just once. I like to think that I'm not that petty or that cruel anymore but if anyone lies right to my face about something that big gets tossed onto my shitlist without a second thought or a second chance. Talk to me and give it to me straight, before or during, I don't care. I might be pissed for a while about that but something like that I can get over. Look into my eyes, lie to my face while some fucked up shit's going on and then call afterwards saying that it's your RIGHT to be allowed to explain? Fuck you. It'll be a cold and wintry day in hell before I decide to bother with that kind of shit again. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm a harsh piece of work and if that turns some people off, I can understand that too. But forgiveness and grace are hard concepts for me to get my head around and even if I DO change someday, you can't teach an old dog new tricks overnight. For another thing...yes, I've become aware of the fact that I'm just as bad as my dog when it comes to needing attention. I've talked to a few of you about my fears of sharing my problems with people because I'm afraid of seeming like an attention whore. Did it ever occur to you that it may very well be because I AM one? I need people the way flowers need light to survive and grow and live on. I need people to care about me and to talk to me. I need people that I can care about as well, people that I can try to comfort or offer support or to just spend good times and to make nice memories with. Unlike the plant though, as a logically reasoning human being, I have a choice in the matter. That much vaunted free will comes into play. It's not odd fact that I use my computer and IM programs to communicate with people a lot more than I use a phone or letters these days. It's always held true in the past but in the past month, all that these programs did was to serve an almost completely useless function. I could have stayed offline the whole month and it wouldn't have mattered one bit. I would have missed nothing. One or two of you have made mention of the fact that I pretty much ALWAYS seem to have my MSN on 'away' status recently and to that, I reply, "what of it?" Nobody was talking anyway... :P Talked about it with Juliette briefly a couple days ago and she tells me that she started to not talk to me to give me time to think, out of a desire of not wanting to pester me or to leave me alone with my thoughts. After that, a bit of guilt factored in but mainly, out of a desire to not bug me, she stopped talking to me. I'm sure that other things in life got in the way as well. But like I told her, do you want to know how my mind works? When you stop talking to me, and stop giving any indication at all that you remember I exist, or indeed, even care, that fucking hurts. I'm kind of past the point of giving a shit about how I sound so I'm gonna be as straight as I can despite how bitchy it may sound and yeah, it really hurts. But what am I gonna do? Stop living and give up hope just because nobody seems to care? Fuck no...despite how large a part of my life you people take away with you when you leave, life goes on. It's not going to stop just because I'm lonely and feeling like shit so I cast about for a way to deal with it and the answer's right in front of my face. It's the same old answer that I've always used and I've always used it because it doesn't fail. The answer, if you can't guess, was apathy. If you gave no indication that you cared about me, why should I you? Why should lay awake at nights, losing sleep thinking and pondering about all this when it doesn't seem to bug anyone else? I wonder if this is something on my part...maybe I'm doing something wrong when it comes to these friendships. Is it something about the way I act? The things I say maybe? Maybe it's something with having friends who are GIRLS that's the problem. But then again, things with Jen stil seem to be okay so maybe it's just YOUNGER girls that are the problem. Or hey, fuck it all, maybe this is just the way things go. Meet someone new, have a great friendship for a year or two then drift apart and search for new friends to start the cycle all over again... Yeah, I know that that's not it at all but sometimes, when I'm in my darker moods, it sure as hell feels like it... That's all how it was going until Juliette messages out of the blue for the first time in forever...talks a bit. Tells me that it's better to be going up and down all the time than to just be an apathetic fuck and drift through life like a shadow. What was the line from the game? Grey Fox says it just before he dies in Metal Gear Solid...about how he felt like "an undying shadow in the world of lights." It's how I felt...and to a certain extent, it's how I still feel. Juliette says that's not living...that even the ups and downs are better than that. So fine...let's try again. As for my current mood...if you were ever curious, it would be down. An email from someone, no matter the good intentions behind it, seems to have done nothing so far but spark feelings of reminiscence, nostalgia and longing for the way things were...but hey, who am I to hope and dream for such vaunted goals? I've always followed an old piece of advice, to dream the big dreams cause the little ones hold no magic in them. Well here's another piece of advice that people have failed to mention, don't dream big cause it's got no fucking chance of coming true. Better to keep your goals small and close to the grindstone...that way, at least you can garner some satisfaction from life when one comes to pass. Sigh...don't mind me. Simply musings from an overly pessimistic mind at the moment. It always happens getting out of a period of apathy. Next weekend marks my sister's birthday...I'm not quite sure which one. With all the shit that me and David have planned between the two of us...hopefully, it'll be enough to lift my spirits...if only for a short while... Sleep perchance to dream eh...? |