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What happens after the sky falls down I feel alone again. Guess that's what ends up happening after you lose something that used to be a part of you, tightly wound around your heart like a creeping vine. obviously, there will be some instability, very expected as something you used to support yourself and get through the days has suddenly vanished like a thief in the night, leaving nothing but a gaping hole. Her absence in the what she used to mean to me is hard to deal with. She was...a reason to hope I guess. It's just harder to deal with life as it comes now that I can't rely on her to be there next to me, helping me get through it. It's in the absence of her presence that the old brooding thoughts returned. They've been conveniently gone all this past week, probably just laying low and letting me bounce back a bit so that they could really knock me on my ass when they hit me all at once...like they did tonight. It's kind of funny when you realize that certain thoughts can have a personality too...as real and as vivid as those of a close friend. They're the enemies that I can't ever completely forget about. I thought that I could...and these past 5 months, I succeeded...but hey, good things just don't last and the bad things just refuse to stay away. Started when thoughts of my inevitable death crept back into my mind without my knowing. I just kind of found myself once again imagining what would happen when life came to an end and getting fucking cold thinking about it... The mere thought that there might very well be nothing after this life is enough to make me uneasy...and imagining what it could be like...say hello to the sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach as my insides and my mood goes for a ride...straight down the dark basement where they can brood together. Another thing was triggered by talking to an old friend...only to find out that said friend was also no longer a virgin. Strange how something like that hits you...it always seems to me that I hear those words from the people that I never would have expected it from. And each time I hear em, I just have no fucking clue what to make of them. And no, don't get any queer thoughts in your heads, I don't mean that I'm depressed right now cause I'm 21 yet and haven't had sex yet :P That's not something that really concerns me much, I figure that when the time is right, it will be right. It's just the train of thought that such new knowledge triggers...I just get the feeling that I'm like...fucking up somehow at life. Like I'm missing some vital clue on how life should be lived...some sort of childhood lesson that I just didn't get. And I just feel that with each and every passing day, I'm lagging behind from everyone else in some way. Like, they've all figured something out and it's helping them...but I'm just sort of lagging back, being slowed down by my own inability to comprehend what the fuck I'm doing wrong. There are no teachers in such cases, no guides to be had, no convenient signposts, it just seems to be something that you either just get or you don't get...and I just don't fucking get it. I feel like I'm falling and while everyone else around me is flying, or at the very least, floating down gently, I'm fucking falling at the speed of light and I can't stop. I feel like I'm going to crash...like I'm underwater and sinking, like gravity just stopped working and I can't get back down to earth. I feel like I'm slowly and irrevocably losing touch with everything that had bound me to earth, connections are snapping and I'm about to drift free with nobody to catch me and nowhere to go. It's funny how life seems to taunt you sometimes. I remember the weekend before my sister came down from London to my birthday weekend, she messaged me, asking me what I wanted for my 21st. I remember telling her that there was nothing that she could get me or do for me because all that I could ever want or ask for was Lauren, or more time with her, which was something that my sister just couldn't give me. She broke up with me 2 or 3 days after that little conversation and I recently found out from my sister that her, my mom and one of my cousins were going to collectively get me two tickets to a musical and a reservation at a nice restaurant for me to take her to. Talk about fucking heartache...I thought I was going to die, fuck. I wish there was a help file attached to life. I wish I had access to a big fucking book that would just have the answers to the questions I desperately need answers for. Talking to that old friend today, topic of Lauren came up and when asked WHY we split up, I honestly couldn't tell her because I don't really have a clear idea why. Distance? Time? Money? Something else? The distance wasn't really the main reason I don't think. The money, she never seemed to want anything from me but ME. The time spent together maybe? That's a possibility but if it was bugging her, why the fuck didn't she SAY something? Like...talk to me about it so that I could try to make amends, change my ways or fucking FIX it? I think that's what gets to me right now. If things had been falling apart for almost two weeks, why didn't she ever say anything regarding the big problem? We talked a bit about the smaller, more specific problems here and there but I never got the sense that there was a problem big enough for her to want to split with me over. Fuck it all, she told me so many times that she would feel comfortable telling me anything, why not the one thing that really mattered in the end? What the fuck went wrong...? If it was just time spent together, if that was the biggest or the only problem, I would have been on a fucking Go bus in a second with no problems, I would have been there at her place every fucking weekend if that was what she wanted...but she didn't say a word about it until it was too late to fix. Why didn't it work? What the fuck wasn't I doing enough of? Anything practical that she had asked of me, I would have fucking done for her. If she thought I spent too much time playing games, I would have given them up for her. If she wanted me to come over to Whitby more to see her, I would have fucking BEEN there every weekend. If she wanted me to maintain a certain fucking GPA, I would have striven to do so if it meant that she would be there by my side cheering me on. Any of that, all of that I would have done for her and more if she had but asked or fucking SAID something about it. But she didn't...and things just sorta crashed and ended for no reason that I can really put into words except to say that things just weren't working out for her. I would have done anything I could have for her if she but asked it of me...it still fucking gets to me, can you tell? That I've given her more than I thought I could give another person and was willing to do almost anything that she asked of me and despite all of that, something was still lacking. I didn't really start writing this intending to turn to this direction, it just kind of fucking happened. Fucking hell, did I mention that I was going to try to permanently give up swearing in all of it's nefarious forms for her? Because I knew that she didn't really like hearing it much? Any of you who's heard the way me and David talk on our weekends would know what a huge fucking deal that would have been. How the fuck do you deal with the fact that EVERYTHING wasn't enough? Everything that I gave her, mind body and soul just wasn't enough to keep her with me, something was still lacking there in the end or this wouldn't have happened and how the fuck do you deal with something like that? Do you just pick up the broken pieces of the dream and try again with someone else somewhere down the line? Perhaps it would just be better to accept the fact that all that I have in me to give won't be enough for ANYONE and to just quit fucking trying. I feel overanxious inside now...as if I'm afraid that I have to be nicer and more considerate of the people around me or they'll leave me just like she did. Sometimes, I feel like I'm acting like an overeager puppy and it fucking pisses me off. Emotional self mutilation I guess...everything has suddenly become MY fault and I don't know how to look at life without that lens anymore. I'm such a fucking mess right now...where's the old Perry? Where did he go during all this? The Perry who didn't cop with all this love and romance bullshit...the one who couldn't care less what people thought of him and would never dream of admitting to a weakness? The one who couldn't be disappointed cause life was already a fuckup to him? The one who could just shrug something like this off with no problems and go on as it didn't happen or matter in the least? Where's the Perry who didn't ever get hurt because life had screwed with him so many times that he no longer held out hope for a bright future? Where is that icy, black nihilistic version of myself who didn't acknowledge the existance of emotional pain...? The one that saw love as nothing but a pipe dream? A trip for those too cheap to travel? Where the fuck did that guy go...? I think that I could really use his help right about now... -.- |