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Can you be afraid of sleep? I'm having troubles sleeping. I used to be great at sleeping. Other than reading for pleasure or seeking attention (more on this another day), it was pretty much one of the few things in life that I was really, really good at. I could sleep almost anywhere, from buses, to trains, beds, floors, classes and the list goes on. All that was required was boredom and even the slightest hint of tiredness, given enough time in which to do it in, I could have been out like a light in a minute, maybe two. This doesn't seem to truly apply anymore. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in longer than I can clearly remember. What is it that you do or think of at nght, when you lie down on your bed, ready to fall asleep but aren't quite there yet? That brief slice of every day used to be something that I looked forward to. It was in that span of time, in the soft darkness that I could call up the faces of those whom I missed and spend some time thinking about them, being with them by proxy as I could not do during the day. It was a time to think of plans to pull off to make people smile, it was a time that I used to be happy. In the recent past, that time was almost solely devoted to her. Simple enough to believe I'd guess...in the darkness, as I lay there in bed, I could call forth her image from my mind, and there, alone in the dark of my room, the vision of her that I could see was achingly clear...almost close enough to reach out and touch. And best of all, as I slipped off into sleep and the barriers between the conscious world and the unconscious world shimmered and faded away, I could reach out, pull her image close to me and hold her in my arms, essentially tricking my fuzzy consciousness into believing that this was real and that she was really there with me as I fell asleep. I can't do that anymore...and trying to reach for that sense of comfort that I once felt only ends up with my mind going over the same old ground that it's been traveling this past month and a bit. I can't recall the last time I've been able to just lie down and drift peacefully off to sleep. Since it happened, that time after lying in bed but before falling asleep has gotten to be one of the most dreaded parts of my day. The problems that seem to stay far away in the light of day take on a whole new aspect in the gloom. The thoughts that haven't left my mind since then somehow get...revitalized at night. It's as if they see me lying there in bed and think to themselves, "hey look, he's helpless. Let's go mess with him." And on they come... So there I lie, tossing and turning in bed. The blankets are too heavy and stifling, the pillow is too high against the back of my neck, and neither of my sides or back seems to have been meant for sleeping on. Suddenly it's too cold, I wrap myself up in the blanket I couldn't stand a second before, curl up into a loose ball and feel tiny drafts nipping away all over my body under the covers, The smallest ambient noises are as loud as a gunshot and the faintest of lights seem to blind me. And all through this, as I try various positions trying to sleep, I'm haunted by thoughts, doubts and misgivings. The worst of them, I think are regrets...they're always the heaviest on my mind. They're accompanied by all of the "what if's" of any huge failure and worst of all, they never go away. The images that I see now...they aren't of her, or at least, they aren't ONLY of her. They tend to be of me AND her...as if I was somehow watching us together as it used to be. Seeing that...I hurt. I can feel a clear, deep ache in the chest and suddenly, once more, I find it almsot impossible to breathe as my heart rises up in my throat and all I can do in my head is wish so freaking desperately that it hadn't happened this way. Eventually...usually about an hour, to an hour and a half later, I fall asleep. Not because the thoughts have left me you see, but beacuse they've subsided, faded away into sleep, just ready to rush back to me at an instant's notice. Sleep finally comes. In a happy world, that would be the end of my post. In a happy world, I would fall asleep and be granted respite from this mental anguish and sorrow...but to me at least, this is not a happy world. I've been dreaming of her lately. The restless sleeping...that's lasted since the incident and all in all, I've settled into the rhythm of it by now. Sleep a while earlier than I normally would so that I'd be able to toss and turn for an hour or so and still (hopefully) sleep enough for the day to come. This past week/week and a half, she began to haunt my dreams. This is equivalent to the way she's always on my mind like standing on the sun is equivalent to the heat of a mild summer day. There is simply NO comparison and no point of reference. Like...crap, I thought the way she was always on my mind during the day was hard to live with...I had no idea what I was thinking. I normally don't dream THAT much...and even rarer are the dreams that are clear enough to write down when i wake up as can be seen from the Dreams section of this site. This last little while, I've been dreaming a little more than every other day and every single one has been the kind that you can easily mistake for real life in that they're vivid, clear and perfectly realistic. The more astute of you may wonder, if I've been having these dreams, why hasn't there been any new entries in the Dreams section. The answer to that is simple: to preserve what sanity I have left. These dreams...they hurt worse than the incessant thoughts and regrets. They hurt that much worse because all of them are invariably of the two of us when things were stil good. It's real enough for me to dare to hope that THIS might be real...me holding her as a trace of a smile hovers on her lips...the warm feel of her against me, her soft skin, the way her hair tickles my face, her scent, her breathing, the beating of her heart...then I'd wake up and the first thing that I would always think...is "please, let THIS be the dream..." You see why I didn't write them down? I spend too long dwelling on that and I swear to you I'll go mad. This brings me to why I'm up so late. Tis 4:16AM at the moment as I write this. David's sleeping, snoring like a chainsaw going through a garbage can behind me on the floor and the ony light that can be seen is the dimmed glow of my monitor. Over the years, I've learned that physical exhaustion can lead to deep sleep. I'm trying to turn that to my advantage...if I can exhaust myself in some way or another every night...I may be able to prevent the worst of the dreams from hitting me before it's time to wake up. This leads me to stay up long past David on the weekends when he's over and rolling out of bed and doing pushups or something when there's no one lying on the floor. Any form of physical exertion that I can do in my room, uncounted and numberless until the body refuses to obey anymore and I feel just about to collapse... If that's what it takes...if that's what I need to do to get some freaking unbroken sleep, be it for five hours, or five minutes...that's what I'll do. That's what I'll do... |