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A lost log... I think that I've at least BEGUN to confront some hard truths about the kind of person that I am after a long talk last night with Jen. It was sort of...exploring the motives behind my actions and the source of some of my fears about the kind of person that I've become. Let's say that this sets the mood and the stage for today. For the start...a heavy snowfall started. And not just any snowfall but the kind of snowfall that I wait the entire season for. Large, light fluffy flakes in uncountable profusion, clouding the landscape as it falls. The "perfect" snowfall that I'd so often discussed with Carol all that time ago. That set me thinking about Carol...and why things went so horribly with her and then, thoughts progressed to the situation now with Lauren and why things went so horribly with her as well. Is this some sort of pattern? Why does it seem that it's always my winters that's tainted by the memories that hurt to remember but won't let go? Trying to get my mind off of it, I started wandering around that Xanga site. I remembered that I'd written something up there as a fragmentary piece and wanted to go take a look at it, see if there was enough substance there to expand. On the way though...I ran into this: Her hands and fingers are always cold. I find this interesting because my hands and fingers tend to always be rather warm. Contrast and opposites, always contrast and opposites. Opposites attract yes? I don't complain about her cold hands, not in the least because the colder her hands are, the more opportunities that I have to hold her soft hands and to make her warm again. It's an excuse to keep in contact with her, to keep holding her and how can I complain against something like that? When I get home at night on a day when I've spent many hours in her company, when I sit here at my desk or when I lie on my bed watching TV, I can feel that my face aches slightly...the reason for this being that I'm not one who is very used to smiling so much and doing so tends to make the muscles in my face ache. I find that sad and amusing at the same time... After spending a day with her, the day after, I feel rather...."light". Mainly because when I'm with her, I'm holding her or she's holding me? Maybe we're holding each other to make sure that the other is real... Whatever the case, I become used to holding her hand in mine, to having her arm linked through mine or to have my arm around her waist or shoulder and it feels very odd to NOT have that the next day. There's a strange sense of physical loss...like when you pull away from a long, warm hug. Speaking of which...I can't get enough of those either. I discover things when I hug her that constantly whirl around in my mind ever afterwards and provide a light to my days, a reason to keep smiling even when she's not with me. Her hair is soft, it tickles lightly on my cheek when she hugs me. There's a remarkable sense of security and comfort that I feel when she's in my arms...someone to protect and keep safe, someone who cares about me as much as I care for her. I discover new things when I hug her that make me marvel for hours afterwards. I've discovered that while her hands and fingers tend to be fairly cold at all times, the rest of her is quite warm...hugging her gives me the comforting sensation that I'm curled up under a thick blanket on a cold and bleak winter morning. If I hug her tight enough, I can feel the beating of her heart beneath my hands on her back and through her chest to mine. She's always on my mind as my MSN name has said for about a week now. And when I talk to her, she tells me that I'm always on hers. Thinking of her is a strange distraction in that it isn't unpleasant and doesn't irritate me no matter how many times in the day that I look up from whatever I was doing to realize that she's on my mind again. Tis passing strange... It's not fun re-reading that and re-living it, feeling it all again and wondering again with a sort of desperate frustration, "why didn't it work out?" I can't let go of this...not until I can find the time to talk to her, let her know of the thoughts that have been struggling around my head day in and day out since it ended. To ask her why it seems that she didn't fight for us and what we had; and last...to tell her that I still love her as I did from the very first day I felt it, as unwise as that may seem, it's something that I need her to know. If this is what I need to do to try putting this behind me...this is what I'm going to have to do. All that's in question now is the matter of timing. I need to tell her all of this, but at the same time, crunch week for assignments is next week and exams are just after that. Why burden both of us with these thoughts when it's in my power to ensure that it's only ME that has to deal with this during this time? So I'll wait...I'll wait until exams are over...or at least, until HER exams are over... Then we'll see if I can truly put this behind me or not... Sigh... |