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Movies inspire thoughts! I finally got around to watching a movie that was on my "to watch" list. Today I watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind and I loved it to bits and pieces. In a nutshell, Joel and Clementine had this nice little relationship going on but after a while, things soured like you would not believe and they had a huge fight and split up. A little while later, Joel discovers that Clem had some operation done to her to erase every memory of him that she had. Frustrated that she would go to such lengths to be clear of him, he decides to undergo the same operation out of a sort of spite. In the process of the deletion, Joel begins to remember the good times...the times when everything seemed perfect but only AS those same memories were being systematically erased. Realizing that he still wants to remember her, he begins to try and hide her within other memories where she had never been in the first place so that he can hold onto the memory of her when morning comes. Watching the movie, I couldn't help but think of my own situation now. It's all emo and shit, I know, but I think of it anyway: if I had that option, would I take it? If someone came up to me and offered to erase Lauren from my memories, would I accept that offer? Deeper than that though, if I became aware of what was happening in the middle of the procedure, would I fight to keep those memories as Joel did? I've been asking myself those questions all day. It makes for some interesting introspection. Sure there were good memories, but there were bad ones there too. If I did get the memories erased, if I didn't remember any of what happened, would I be any happier or would I still feel like I'd lost something? It makes me think...and it's helped me come to some revelations. For starters, something I haven't really understood too much till today is what exactly it is that I'm missing. Know this, what I'm missing now, what I'm lacking that continually brings me down isn't Lauren. You may not believe me but it really isn't. That much of it, I got over a month...or three after she left. It's not even wanting somebody to hold. What I miss is the emotions. Love tends to cloud one's eyes; both the ones in your head and the ones in your mind. How I saw her back then doesn't come anywhere near how I see her now and I understand that. I can see now that I'd been looking at her through a sort of filter that magnified her highlights and dimmed down any flaws or even potential flaws. In other words, what I saw was an ideal Lauren. The human Lauren, one that I see a little better now isn't what I miss. What I miss is love. I miss all of the happy things that unexpectedly pop up when you have someone to love. To be sure, I miss all of the physical things, having someone to hold goes a long way to making you feel connected to the world but it's more than that that I feel is lacking. I miss having someone on my mind at odd hours of the day. I miss falling asleep with someone's face painted in my mind and waking up to the thought of them. I even miss thinking up little things that I could do that would put a smile on their face. I miss being in love. That's what I'm finding so hard to let go. Not just the girl who many have told me that she isn't worth the shit I'm putting myself through but the love attached to the memory of her is what's so hard for me to let go of. So people tell me that she isn't worth it, and you know what? You're all right. She's not worth me feeling this shitty about all of it. But the thng is, the love is worth it. Just nice, simple and uncomplicated love...isn't that what we all hope for? If you're still asking questions about why I would want to hold onto a love that burned me pretty bad...go and watch Eternal Sunshine. The entire damned movie's about fighting to hang onto something even when it hurts like a bitch. Maybe then it'll be easier to understand why I have such a hard time with it... |