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Unwell That feeling that you can only describe when you speak in french is deja vu. It's that doubling sense of displacement you get when some event or observation triggers you into feeling like you've done or seen that thing before. There aren't that many people that have never EVER felt this sort of feeling before in their lives. It's a very strange feeling...one that makes one feel out of place, as if they're somewhere and somewhen that they dont belong. How I feel now...is akin to that, but not quite it itself. It feels more like a shadow of deja vu that permeates my presence right now. It's like that slight out-of-place feeling that you get when you're at a big party and you're there because one person brought you...but there's nobody else there that you know. It's that sort of feeling...but worse as it's on me everywhere and everywhen. I don't feel particularly unhappy (which is good), but at the same time, I don't feel particularly happy either (which is not so good). The point that I'm trying to get across is that while this is definately NOT a good feeling, it's not a clear cut bad one either. I just feel really out of place, even sitting here in my own room where I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time lately. Adrift at sea without an anchor; no raging storms...but no wind either. The water as calm as glass with a painfully bright sun glaring down on the scene out of an achingly clear blue sky. It's not deja vu, but it's not NOT deja vu either. It's sort of the essence of that feeling, reduced to it's simplest form: it's the feeling of not belonging. It's the feeling that the world pulled a quick one on you and forced you to misstep...and then went marching right along as you lag behind trying to catch your footing. It's the feeling of swimming in a warm lake on a perfect summer days and accidentally hitting a shockingly cold pocket of water deep below the warm surface. It's accidentally walking in on wedding or a funeral that isn't related to you; while nobody will tell you to get the heck out, nobody's exactly going to be welcoming you with open arms either. This disquieting feeling leaves me when I'm concentrating; when I'm finally getting a picture in my head out perfectly or even in class the odd time when what the professor says is ridiculously intriguing. It's a release and an escape and I'm dying to find more ways to do it. I'm having trouble sleeping again. Its odd as this time, there's not even anything really troubling going through my mind that keeps me awake. I change, lay down in bed, close my eyes...and do nothing. No thinking or pondering, my mind's a flexed blank, and I just lay there. I might turn over onto one side...then back onto my back a few minutes later or open my eyes and stare at the dark ceiling for a while before closing them again but sleep doesn't come. It evades my grasp the way a falling strand of hair slips through your fingers when you try to catch one in midair; for an instant, you think you might actually get it, but then it slips sideways in some odd way and it's gone again. I'm rambling because I don't quite know how to get you to feel it with just my words. That sort of defeats the purpose of all that you've just read doesn't it? |