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Christmas Love Guys...I'm feeling it. I'm really feeling it. Spent the vast majority of this Christmas at my cousin's house, as usual. I was bored out of my mind for most of the time, mildly entertained for some and just generally had a sort of okay time there (the boredom was balanced out by the tasty food). The end of the night eventually came around 1am and me, my mother and our doggy piled into the car and headed home. That's when it started happening. For one thing...it was snowing. Unamazing in and of itself but it was snowing. The flakes were fat and drifted lazily down without wind to alter their patterns of falling. This was the kind of snowfall that makes me love the winter and it was happening tonight. I know that in Toronto, it was mostly a sort of half slush, half rain deal coming down, but up in the Richmond Hill area, it was pure snow and LOTS of it. I'd been expecting it to be a purely grey Christmas judging by the Weather Network and this morning's weather but I was very pleasantly surprised at night when the snow began to fall. Up near where my cousin lives...it's pretty far from the more main areas of the city so there are less streetlights. In some places, there are no streetlights at all so when one drives there at night, they go solely by the headlights of their cars. Normally, this makes for a fairly creepy sort of atmosphere, but tonight...holy crap it was beautiful. The lights from the car turns the falling snow into bright pinpricks of light against the dark of the night, flashing by like tracers or quickly moving fireflies as we drove by. I spent most of the car ride petting the dog's head by my side and staring out the window, entranced. Staring out at beauty through a window leads one to think, and I did so then. I thought about my closer friends...and what they meant to me...and what I liked about them...what made them seem endearing...how much I missed them. That's when I started to feel it. I've often held to the view that if you ever have to ask yourself, "is this love?" then it ISN'T. I'm of the belief that if it IS love...then you'll know it. If it's really love...the genuine article that's not mucked up by false sentiments and desires, then it's unmistakable and you just KNOW that it's there and you KNOW that it's true. With real love...I don't think there's any room for doubt. By no means, am I saying that real love CAN'T end in tragedy or heartbreak...I'm just saying that if YOU feel a real, genuine love, then you'll know that you feel it, regardless of how the greater issues turn out. I recognize it from my time with Lauren...I recognize it dimly from childhood memories of hugging my parents goodnight each and every day. I recognize it from the times that I've been hugged by certain close friends when I felt like the world was crashing down around my ears and I recognize it from the occasional weekend morning when my sister would barge into my room and flop down onto me saying, "I loves you bruzzer," and I'd usually respond with, "I don't love you, go away," while yet making room for her to sit comfortably to watch tv. I know what love feels like...I know how I feel when it's in me and I felt that tonight. I felt it burdgeoning and swelling within me, rising up from my chest, and filling me up until my chest tightens up and it gets hard to breathe. I feel it still, sitting here now typing this up. It's lessened somewhat now that the initial impact of the sensation has worn off but it's still there. I feel a love for you guys as deep as the ocean, as tall as a mountain and as enduring as....well, something that endures really well. You guys get the idea. I feel love. I feel like I'm bursting with it. Enough love to fill up a hot air balloon and fly me around the world. I feel like it's too much for me; that it will soon burst forth from me but as the love inside me grows, so does the space in which it lives and it just keeps expanding and expanding. I haven't felt this way at all in the past year since she left but even thinking about that now doesn't dent the feeling. It pushes it back a tiny bit...then I think about a time when I was with one of you guys...and you made me feel loved...then I feel LOVE and enough of it to drive away any bad feeling, thought or cloud! Love conquers all! Love kicks ass and it's an absolutely, positively magnificant way to feel. I LOVE you guys. Unabashedly and unequivocally. I'll say it too. Want me to say it? Just ask next time you see me and I'll say it right to your face. I do love you guys...truly. Most especially the four of you...the H and 3 J's. You guys have seen me through a shitload of crap and honestly, better friends can't be found, bought or....uh, found (again XD). Merry belated Christmas if I haven't said it to ya yet. And if you were wondering...no I'm not drunk and maudling...the strongest thing to pass my lips tonight was a can of coke. If that WAS what got me feeling this way...man, I'd live off of that stuff. How I'm feeling now...seriously, it's good shit. |