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Connections For starters...an apology. If you read my entry "Venting," I didn't mean to imply that the source of my problems lay with you. I know that it sounded like...I had nothing to do with the fact that I had more girl friends, as if I had no real say in it...as if the situation was as it was because you all came to me. Thinking about it later on, I came to the realization that it probably had just as much (if not more) to do with me and my views on the difference between the sexes. I tend to hold some fairly old-fashioned stereotypical views. Nothing that's quite specific but just...very broad and general swathes. Foremost among them I think is my view that women tend to care more about their emotions and emotional problems than men do. Not that men don't care about these things at all...just that women seem to place more of an importance in them than most men. Seeing the world in that way...it wouldn't really make TOO much sense for me if I was to make/cultivate that many close guy friends that I would talk to about the emotional aspect of life now would it? I have a harder time making that kind of connection with another guy, no matter how well-intentioned. Even with close friends...these kinds of things don't really come up too often. Like David for example...I've known the guy for forever and a half but even still we don't spend much time talking about how we feel or our sorrows or any of that. If we DO talk about something like that, it's almost inevitably when something's pissed either of us off and we just vent in anger. There's no long talks about depression and the causes of it...no mention of any feelings of weakness. It's all just...chilling and good times for the most part anyway... I think that I've digressed. I just want to say that I'm sorry if you took it to mean that I thought you to be conniving or cowardly or had some elaborately orchestrated scheme to be my friend and take it for granted. I know that isn't the case. Moving on though...I'm writing now to express my thoughts on my relationship with friends and hopefully, to try and help you understand. Or at the very least...an explanation as to why I've been acting so strangely -.- Before Lauren...I didn't know what it was to love another person; not really anyway. Now though...I can sort of feel it, and recognize it for what it is. It's interesting in that way...for me love isn't just an emotion but a sensation. When the memories of the time that I spent with Her come again to my mind, I can relive it if I choose...and I can feel that love again within me. I can feel my breath lock in my lungs and I can feel a tightness in my chest as my heart swells, feeling like it's about to burst. Feeling what I did for her...and recognizing what I was feeling, it's lead me to a bit of a problem now that she's gone. It's sort of like...I've opened the door to the feeling of love...I've let it into my heart but now that she's gone, it's lost its focus. Instead of just vanishing again as I thought it would...instead of turning to hate as I feared, it's done something different. It's spread out a bit...become more diffuse and its attached itself to what I feel with you people. I feel love for you, my friends. It's not nearly as strong as what I felt for Her due to the fact that it seems to have been split up a bit...but I feel it nonetheless. I know that what I'm describing isn't exactly right...I know that it's a little too cut and dry...a little too exact for it to be true. But it's the closest that I can come to describing how I feel and what I feel. I feel a genuine love for you guys and it's unfair. I know it is. I know that it's wrong to burden you in this way on top of everything else; I know that you don't deserve to be forced to carry this. This is my cross to bear...and it would be mine alone save for the fact that I'm not strong... I need people. I know it and you can probably guess so I won't really beat around the bush. I need people. And me needing you, it sort of puts a burden on you. I know this because some of you have helped me realize that. But I can't stop...it's like a drug. It can put me at ease when it seems like nothing else ever will. I feel like my mind is in a very strange place right now. Someone's suggested to me that I may be clinically depressed and after reading up on it, I'm afraid that it may be true but am unwilling to go and try seeking help for it. After reading an article brought to my attention by another friend which suggested that "nice guys" really have only theirselves to blame, I've made some leaps of logic and think that I may also show some very strong signs of a passive/aggressive personality in that I seem to make impossible demands of people and then be utterly disappointed when they can't meet them. I'm also more than a little shocked at my brashness in going around, telling certain people that their boyfriends aren't good enough for them...that they deserve someone better. I mean...my god, who am I to say such things? I'm really VERY surprised that I haven't managed to make you hate me for spouting such garbage. It's not like I have a huge amount of experience with relationships under my belt and it's not like I really know the person that I'm badmouthing. Everything that I think they should be doing as a good boyfriend is what I myself did and everything that they seem to be doing now that I disapprove of are things that I don't think I'll ever do to a girl...and yet if you look at the big picture, they still HAVE someone who loves them. They're still in relationships that aren't exactly perfect...but is enough to keep both parties going...while I sit here alone, feeling like crap, and still wondering why things had to happen the way they did. If I start saying this kind of crap again, honestly, just tell me to shut up and change the subject. I'm tired of being an arrogant, prideful hypocrite and if I can't just suddenly flip a switch and change my personality so that it goes away...at the very least, I can try to keep my big mouth shut and keep from revealing it to the world. If you catch me doing it...tell me off. Cuss me out, yell at me for it then give me the cold shoulder for several days at a time until I get the point and back down. It may or may not go against your better nature...but from the looks of it, the soft touches just aren't working anymore. Cuss me out online, call me and yell at me or slap me if you're close enough. Do me this favor please...I think I need it -.- |