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Lydia Leung As the days go by and as my last summer free of responsibility slowly comes to an end, I find that my thoughts return to you more and more... I wanted to meet you even before I knew who you were...just seeing you on the bus without knowing your name or age...I think the first thing that made me wonder about you was your hair. You were the first girl that I had ever seen that went around with short hair gelled into spikes pointing towards the back of your head. I had never seen anything like it and knowing nothing else about you, I wanted to know you...to know who you were to do such a thing without worrying what others may think. All that I knew about you...was that you lived a few stops away from me...that you went to my school. I watched you whenever I could, from the long otherwise uneventful bus rides to school to the calm and purposeful way you had of walking with your books in hand and a bag slung over one shoulder. I wish that I had the nerve to say something way back then, in the hopes that things would have turned out differently today. As it was...I kept my silence, admiring you at a distance, always hoping that somehow, you would notice me back... It was a good half a year after I first saw you before I managed to talk to you. That was during the whole school play fiasco that I want to forget and remember at the same time. In a way, the play was a bad experience for me...although I suppose it DID help my incessant shyness around anyone I didn't know. It was hard for me to do something like that...to sing and dance knowing that people would see and hear me...not to mention those god-awful red tights! But in another way, it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Pushing aside the whole learning experience bit, the entire experience was worth it just for the people that I met and the people that I got closer to during it's six month duration. A lot of the closest friends that I had trace back to the play somehow. Raymond and me got a lot closer during the time of the play as did others who I got to know more than before like Laura, Alex and a few others. First and foremost of the bunch though was Jen. God, I can't even clearly remember how it was that I first ended up meeting her...but I know that we got to be pretty good friends during the time of the play. She introduced me to you...the day we got to rehearse with the music...much to my surprise, you, my mystery girl walked in toting a silver trumpet wearing your customary light grey jacket. By this time, your hair was longer than it used to be...looking rather windswept as it fell around your ears and face. I learned your name and somehow, it seemed so...fitting. I started to talk to you in slow, rather self conscious bursts...constantly worrying that I was making a fool of myself with each word. I slowly learned more about you...your tastes in music, birthday, family, interests...and yet, looking back on it, I still can't say that I really know you. I always loved to watch you as you went about doing the things you do. From whatever conversation I was in or whatever game I played with the others, I was almost always aware of your presence, where you were in relation to me. I loved to watch you as you went about your life...from the way you gathered your feet under you as you sat to read or do work...from the way you moved, purposefully around the caf when you had to go somewhere...suffice to say that you were fascinating to me. The play ended as did the year and the summer went by before I saw you or heard from you again. Coming back into the school, I was a better person, less shy and self conscious than before and I hoped that it would be enough to let me approach you...but it wasn't. While I DID see you and talk to you more than I did before, a sort of friend was all that I was to you and all that you were to me, despite what I wanted or hoped for. I honestly don't even know if I was that much to you...maybe an acquaintance would've been a better choice of words. While I tried to get closer to you...to become a closer friend I guess, I never felt anything from you indicating that it mattered...it seemed to me as if you couldn't care less if I was around or not and that wasn't a really good way to feel you know? To be completely honest though, I really don't think that I really fit in any way with you or the people you hung out with. To coin a cliched term, we were from two completely different worlds...either that or I was still too much of a loner... Did you know that I admired you? To my eyes, you seemed to be everything that I wished that I could be. You were always so calm and collected...fully in control of your emotions and thoughts. Your actions, whatever you did always seemed so precise and purposeful. In all the time I knew you, I don't think that I've ever seen anything from you to ever indicate that you weren't in complete control of your faculties. I have never seen you angry or pissed off...the most I ever saw was mild annoyance at stupid teachers and marks that weren't quite up to the high standards you held yourself to. I've never seen you winded from running or engaging in heavy physical activity. I've never seen or heard you laugh...the most that I've seen was a quiet chuckle and the rare smile. A very slight tone of apology would cross your voice now and then when I asked for help in calculus that you couldn't quite remember. The only time that I even came close to seeing you lose your temper was a day-after sort of thing. Walking by your class in the morning (I was late yet again) I was curious to see a large swatch of white in your hands. A curious look and pointing towards your hands got you to perform a brief miming action of punching with your bandaged hand. My eyebrows shot up at the thought of it but you pointed to your watch and towards my class and I smiled and left, wondering what could have happened to get you to punch someone. Later on, you told me that you had been a party the night before when a drunk girl kept bugging you so you knocked her out and while that may count as you being pissed, I still can't see it. When I try, all I see if you, still perfectly composed without a trace of anger quickly lashing out once and returning to whatever you were doing. I can't picture you mad or sad, happy or crying simply because you've never shown me those sides of you. To me, you were always calm and collected, maybe slightly annoyed, always polite...I've never seen you vulnerable or weak save one time. Walking into school, late again, I saw you by your locker next to my class so I stopped by to say hi before going to class. I remember you with a cup of tea as you turned to greet me, no smile on your face. When I asked you what was wrong, you told me that you were 'really fucked up right now' showing me that your hands shook and that you were starting to grind your teeth at night. As brief as it was...I treasure that memory above the others that I have of you simply because that was the first time I ever saw you drop whatever guard you had up. If I really think about it though, I suppose that there could've BEEN no guard, that you were REALLY that way all the time to everyone but somehow I doubt that. But then, I was never close enough to you to know the truth either way was I? You are the one that had hooked me the longest do you know? I chased you, figuring that I should try being a closer friend before trying anything but that never happened. I never got closer or further from you than I did from the first time we met. It was as if you had gauged who I was, what worth I had to you and placed me accordingly on your list of friends and kept me there. But regardless of that, I fell for you and pretty hard too. Steve Chung knew and even when he fell for you and tried his hand, I didn't say anything to him simply because even to me, the two of you would've made a far better match than I ever would. I did all that I could think of to keep in touch with you after you graduated and whatever it was I did, it obviously wasn't enough. And so, you're gone...and more and more these days, for some odd reason, my thoughts return to you and the time I spent as your acquaintance and friend. I wish that I could draw well enough to capture your essence on paper for I have no pictures of you. As much as I don't want it to happen, your face will fade from my mind's eye and I don't want that to happen. I want to remember you; the ease of your movements, the rich sound of your voice... I want to remember the clear cut planes of your face, I want to remember the fact that I thought you looked amazing the days when you let your hair grow out to the top of your neck and let it free to curve around your face... I want to remember the way you had of kicking at my feet whenever you caught me sleeping on the bus, late for school... I want to remember your strength, there just didn't seem to be anything that you were afraid of... I want to remember your eyes...the way you looked out at the world, and the dark depths of them on the rare occasions when I caught your gaze head on... I want to remember you... |