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The end of the world came about January 18th, 2005. I've wondered for a while now if I was still able to cry considering that I hadn't done it in so long. And I don't mean crying as in crying from simple physical pain but crying when you haven't been injured. Basically, crying out of nothing but a sense of loss or heartache. I believe the last time that I've really shed tears involuntarily was when I was about 8-10 years old with my sister in the hallway of our shitty apartment down in flemo the last time my dad threatened to leave after bashing the shit out of some furniture, appliances and our mother. The next time he left, about a year and a half to two years ago, I didn't shed a tear. I will admit that there was a lump in my throat but I didn't really cry, I just felt like doing so. Now, in the face of this, I can't seem to stop... We sat down and had a talk today at school. It was a fairly low-key talk, there were no hysterics on our parts and nobody just stood and stormed off before we had finished. She pretty much sat me down and told me that she didn't love me anymore. And no, if you knew and were wondering, things didn't just end because of what's happened this past week or two, from what she's told me, this all seemed to be a while in coming, the events of the past two weeks was just the icing on the cake you could say. The distance was a strain on it most of all I think, only being able to get together for a few hours every few weeks...fuck, even talking to her on the phone was running a good $30-$40 a month in long distance phone cards. It tends to put a strain on things and when things stretched that way, one or both of us tended to end up feeling tired, strained and stressed. She says that we didn't really seem to make each other happy anymore...that having two people getting all pissed off and bitching about their problems to one another wasn't really a relationship. I guess that I can agree with that...but I thought that things would change after a short while you know? Fuck, the reason why I wanted to get her alone and talk today was to tell her that I knew things had been strained with us for the past week and to ask what I could do to fix it...she also tells me that she still wants to be friends. I didn't want it to come to this. I don't want to lose her. But it seems too late for that now...the way she's been acting this past week, and most clearly, the way she's been acting today, I don't feel that she loves me anymore... It happened so quickly...somewhere between the first day of second semester and now, right about our fifth month anniversay and a week before my 21st birthday, thing spiralled so fucking quickly out of control. Great things to associate January with huh? A lot of negative emotions follow in the wake of this...first and foremost among them, I feel a sadness. I never really knew what it was to be sad...I've known some small periods of depression here and there in the past year or two but a pure and unalloyed sadness has passed me by completely until now. I also feel heartache. I'd read that expression, that heartache wasn't just something that people said, that there was actual PAIN involved. I've read that here and there and have used the phrase before in my own writings way back when but the awful truth of it has never really hit me till now. Generally all of today, I've felt a slight shortness of breath, it was hard to breathe properly, as if a giant was squeezing me around the chest preventing me from drawng a full breath. Then it would just...fucking hit me that it was really over and that would intensify to a ridiculous degree. There'd be a lump in my throat, much like there is now, and breathing was so ridiculously difficult. I would feel a pain in my chest, an ache as if my heart was tightening up, trying to curl up around an open wound. Then just as suddenly as it appeared, it would suddenly vanish, and I'd be safe until it decided to hit me again. Denial was also a big part of it. It would suddenly kick in and I'd find myself hoping that maybe it was all just, some moment of weakness on her part you know? That she'd call the next minute and tell me that it was all just a big misunderstanding and that she still loved me...but that isn't going to happen. The denial might even be worse than the heartache...it fills me up with a false sense of hope...then reality kicks in and that all comes crashing down and I'm alone again. There's anger mixed up in there. It's a feeling that I never thought that I would feel towards this girl...but hey, what do you know... It's that part of me that I hate. The vindicative part, the one that lays blame on everyone and everything but me. It tells me that it was all HER fault...that any girl who would leave me like this after all that I've done for her over these past 4-5 months and all of the patience I've shown her has got to be fucking crazy. It tells me that hating her is the right and good thing to do, that I really SHOULD be hating her for doing this to me, for making me feel like I'd finally found something amazing only to rip it from me and throw me back down in the dirt. It's the part of me that shouts and screams, asking her how dare she do this to me when I thought my heart safe in her care...but in the end, sanity raises its voice and tells me that it really wasn't anyone's fault that this happened... Finally, I come to regret. It suffuses my mind like a numbing blanket and I can't feel anything else anymore. I feel numb. As if a giant hole had opened up within me where she once lived and now that she's gone, everything in my mind, heart and soul just feels so desolate and empty. The emptiness and darkness left there is made all the worse by how bright and filled it used to be while she was with me. It's like the bottom's dropped out of my world and I'm suddenly falling into a place where she was always there to catch me...but she's not anymore. Purpose and desire have suddenly left me and I feel like I've been cast adrift with nowhere to go and nothing left to do. I've tried doing some homework but I can't focus on more than a sentence. I've tried distracting myself with video games but that doesn't work as I can't concentrate enough to perform the simple tasks that used to be as easy as breathing used to be. I've tried to find solace in sleep but...well, that one was worst of all. Fuck, I thought losing sleep LAST night over thoughts of talking out what was going on between us was bad... She asked me if this was coming out of nowhere for me, if I completely didn't expect it or see it coming. It was a fear that I'd already mentioned to like...two people but that was all that it was, just a fear. It was just a worst case scenario that I never dreamed would come to pass. To make things even fucking worse, last night, after finally falling asleep after tossing and turning for hours, I had a fucking dream where we talked over this whole problem, then I held her in my arms as she told me that everything was going to be okay and I woke up so fucking happy... I feel like I've died. I know how that sounds, and I know that it seems really melodramatic and all but it's how I feel. I feel like the world has ended, as if quietly, and without a fuss, the sun has suddenly stopped shining in the sky. She used to question this a lot when we were together, whenever I would tell her that I loved her or anything along those lines, she would seem to be troubled, worried by the fact that she thought I was falling into it all too deeply, worried for me in case things ended up not working out. I wonder now if she saw this coming or at least half suspected things would end this way even back then, when things seemed so fucking right. As I assured her then, I find myself needing to remind myself now, that I WILL get over this. That while it may feel like the end of the world now, eventually when enough time had passed I will get past this and come out through the other side with some emotional scars that run deep, but will also heal with time. I find myself thinking of that line from a story, that while I won't forget her, after time, the remembering won't hurt as much. I find myself wondering now. Wondering if this is hitting her just as hard or if she's just shrugging it off. I wonder if what I felt was real these past few months, if things really were what they seemed. I know that I have felt love for this girl that I've never felt before and find myself wondering why it wasn't enough to make it last. I think that's the biggest thing on my mind right now...why wasn't it enough? I've given her everything that had possiblly occured to me to give her, fuck, I learned to fucking knit for her. That last day before her party, I'd finally figured out what it was I was doing wrong that was making me mess up so often and I sat there doing nothing but knitting for over 6 hours straight, trying to finish it on time. I couldn't even watch tv or listen to music while doing so cause it would make me lose my count too easily so hey, sitting in silence for hours on end just knitting and even then, it wouldn't have been enough if my sister hadn't helped out and did some of it. I've shown her kindness, respect, and patience. I've given her my trust and furthermore, I've given her more love than I had ever thought that I could feel. The times that we had fought and argued was mostly times when I wanted to do something for her that she felt was too much, like this recent episode when I was willing to stay behind for 2 hours after class on Tuesdays and walk her to her car when she was done cause it was pitch black outside and it was a good 5-10 minute walk. She felt that it was too much for me to do and as she told me, both of us being as stubborn and unrelenting as we are, one or both of us would end up getting pissed off/frustrated before giving in to the other. But this one thought echoes through my head and won't leave me alone: what do you do when you've done and given someone everything you could possibly think of...and it's still not enough? Where do I go from here? I don't even know what I want from her anymore. At the back of my mind is the hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, all of this will have been a bad dream that never happened. But wishes don't come true. And I know that that won't happen. Do I want to stay her friend? She's left the offer open for me, telling me that she still wanted to be my friend after this. I'd always kind of wondered why that happened, why girls always wanted "to be friends" after they'd just finished ripping a hole through a guy and I sort of understand now. Obviously, it won't happen in a relationship where say, the guy cheats on the girl but in one like ours? Where the blame can't really be placed anywhere? Where things just slowly and irrevocably went wrong? Once I've gotten over the pain of today's events, I guess that I could try it...after all, I've told her time and time again that I would do anything for her...perhaps even this. In this harrowed and confused time for my mind, the only clear thing that stands out for me is that I don't want her to be completely gone and out of my life, I don't. Even now, I am convinced that she is a remarkably singular individual, someone like her, I'll never meet again as long as I live and I don't want to end things between us completely over this. Of course this also brings to mind, what the hell am I going to do when she starts dating again? Just the simple thought of another guy holding her...kissing her, or running his hands over her back as I've done countless times makes my stomach clench and my skin crawl...but one life altering problem at a time. I'll deal with that when it happens... -.- So what now? No appetite, no conscious desire or will to do anything. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that everything that I've done and everything that I had to give her wasn't enough? Fuck, I was even going to give up all of the incessant cussing for her just this past weekend...that seems rather pointless now cause the main fucking reason I was going to do it has up and left. I was thinking back to a time in high school, Steve Chung used to cut up his forearms. I asked him once why he would abuse his body that way and he told me that the pain of the cut was better, cleaner than the pain inside. I wonder now if maybe that would make me feel better now...there's enough alcohol in the house to get me drunk, make me black out or even give me fucking alcohol poisoning and kill me if I so desired and I wonder if that's the solution. With the people that I know, I know that I can get my hands on all sorts of drugs that could get me high and help me to forget and I wonder if that's the answer. But I won't do any of those things. While there are many things that I don't know, what I do know is that I'm stronger than that. Despite the fact that NOTHING appeals to me right now, I'm fairly sure that I'll be okay. ...kinda -.- Forgetting her isn't an option to me. If nothing else, too many things remind me of her that I can't get rid of. Like...everything in my room and current life. I miss her so fucking much...even now, even after this except this time, I don't get to see her again in a few days or weeks cause that girl, the one who loved me back is...just, gone. The fact that things won't ever be like the way they were...makes me want to curl up, fall asleep and never wake up. I gotta say...this hurts a lot fucking more than I had imagined or thought. This girl...this incredible girl has been in my thoughts pretty much every single waking moment (and in a lot of my dreams) for the past 5 months...it's hard to just rid yourself of the things that hurts you to think of you know? I wonder how this could have been averted. I know that wandering down the path of 'what might have been' is a sure cause of depression, doubt it could get much worse than this, but its good to be wary. I think that all of this happened because we couldn't see each other enough...and a lot of that I guess was my fault because for sure, she was willing to come down here more than I ended up heading out there. Most of that I guess, was because of the fact that it would have taken me a little under $20 for bus tickets to and from Whitby and me, being a lazy, jobless student, that was money that I really couldn't afford...although the thought occurs to me, if I had been less fucking lazy and had gotten a job before any of this had started, I would have been less likely to balk at that price...of course, if I had known what I know now from the beginning...I would have bussed over there more, regardless of the price. I'm going to miss her and what we had so fucking much... When she found something kind of amusing but not really a "haha" funny, she'd smile, forming little crinkles at the edges of her eyes... The day we actually started "dating", we went out to a movie with her friend and there was a brief moment when her friend stepped out to make a call and she laid her head on my shoulder for a while...god that made me feel so damned good... There was another time we were lying on my bed, not really doing anything at all but just lying there together...and there was this strange, soft, clicking noise everytime she breathed in. We both tried to just ignore it at first but ended up just cracking up over it... I'm going to miss the time she lay on my bed long enough to transfer the scent of her perfume onto my pillow... I'm going to miss the soft tones of her voice, her clear laugh and her smile...god I'm going to miss her smile... The soft, silky feel of her skin beneath my fingers and the almost breathless gasps when I found an extra-ticklish spot... I loved looking into her eyes, gazing deep into them and waiting for that moment when she'd feel self consciou and glance to the side as a light red flush rose in her cheeks... I'm going to miss the times when she held me...made me feel so fucking warm and comforted knowing that someone loved me...made me feel safe... Most of all, I think that I'm going to miss holding her in my arms. It made me feel so good...to feel her there, it made me feel strong, like I could keep her safe no matter what. And knowing that she trusted me to do so... Fuck, I'm torturing myself right now... I thought that it was always the girl who was supposed to be this way...And strangely enough, I still can't stop crying -.- I'm not really making any noise save for the occasional sniffle...don't get me wrong, just cause I'm weak enough to cry doesn't mean that I'm weak enough to declare my sorrow to the world...there's no sound...just a sniffle here and there and tears that just don't seem to fucking end. I think I'm going to end it here...I guess there's nothing more for me to say and continuing is only making me feel worse than I did. One last thing though...the never ending question I guess, Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? The answer to that question is...one that I don't know yet. While it's true, these past five months have been...just, amazing...I'll never forget it, but the end...now, it's just so fucking hard to deal with...I feel so alone all of a sudden. The ironic thing is...as bad as I feel, the one person that I think could have really helped me through this...is the same person who caused it. So as for the question...ask me again if I ever make it through this in one piece... So this is the end I guess. The only things left for me to say...is that I miss her...and that I still love her. Sad isn't it? |