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I've been reborn A few things before I start. First thing, this one's gonna be kind of long. Okay, REALLY long...but the thing is, it's important for you see, I've had an epiphany of sorts and I know that it will, or has already changed me as a person for good and I need you guys to know it. So wait...you don't have the time right now? That's fine. Close this browser, walk away, do whatever it is you need to do. I'll be waiting. ... Okay, you're back. You've got some time? Good, sit down and make yourself comfortable. Second thing, I will be swearing. Yes, I'm well aware of my decision to quit it but I need it now to emphasize certain things and I can't think of a more effective way of doing this. If you protest, do something for me, go to www.urbandictionary.com and look up the word "fuck." In all of the words in the english language, it is pretty much THE most versatile so be prepared to see it. I won't overuse it so don't worry Helen, but you WILL see it here and there. And yeah, I will be counting how many times I swear but considering I'm topping David in our little deal by almost $30 now, I think I'm safe. So let's begin... This morning on the RT (overland train route) on the way to school, I saw something that just stole into my heart. I was looking out the window, listening to "Otherside" by Red Hot Chili Peppers when I saw something...a bird. I saw just a normal bird flying really, really far out there in the distance, it was only a spot really against the sky. It was flying...and it just looked so small and insignificant against the mountainous clouds in the distance, dwarfed by them I would say. It looked so small against those massive cloudbanks and I felt for just one instant that I WAS that bird, dwarfed by life and of Lauren's influence on my life, I felt very small and insignificant. I didn't know why it struck me so but it left an impression, an indelible mark on me. I went through school normally, almost ended up dropping all my issues onto the lap of yet another sorta new friend for some...strange reason that I couldn't figure out cept just...more sympathy I guess. Whatever though, it was...on my way home that something happened to me. As I was on the RT heading home...looking out what seemed to be the exact same window as just that morning, I saw the sun setting. It seems like nothing to you, I know. Just an everyday occurrence that perhaps I haven't paid enough attention to. It got to me. It got to me like you would not fucking believe. I saw it...and it was the color of blood, if blood could emit a light of it's own. It was the color of blood and as it slowly sank beneath the crisp, sharp lines of the cloudline, it lit it up from behind, making them stand out in sharp relief, their edges limned with that blood red color. Guys...I saw that bloody sunset and I felt a hand just reach out, squeeze the fuck outta my chest for a heart stopping instant...and then let go. In that moment...I felt myself change. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I see a birdy flying in the sky, I see a bloody sunset and just like that, I become a new man. Seriously...I know it sounds completely retarded and random but hear me out. People have been talking at me for the last little while. They say the things that you would expect them to see really. That it'll get better, that she doesn't know what she's missing, that I deserve better than her, that things just happen, that there are plenty of fish in the sea, that I should say "fuck women" altogether and go gay (LOL, if you're reading this, thanks man...that cracked me right the fuck up XD). I think the two biggest effects came from Jen and Andrea respectively. Talking to Jen, there were several long talks actually. Jen got me to face the idea for the first time really, that I acted the way I did and said the things I did to garner sympathy from those who cared about my well-being. In other words, I was an attention whore. I mean...I wouldn't actively go out and PUT myself in situations where I would get burned, but at the same time, if a situation occurred where I DID get burned, I would sort of milk it for attention, for sympathy and caring from my friends. Guys...what can I say? I'm sorry as hell. Of all of the ways to treat one's friends, I SERIOUSLY doubt that what I did was kosher. You see, when something bad happened, I would sort of run to you for sympathy and nurturing care. I wanted, no, I NEEDED you guys to tell me that things would get better, to enfold me in your arms and tell me that I would go on from whatever problem, to pat me on the back and tell me you were there for me, to make me smile, laugh, forget about whever was troubling me or just letting me know that you cared. It was a drug. It was crazy addicting. It had to stop. Sympathy, compassion and care from your friends is all well and good. In fact, I'd be really hard pressed to find something that's QUITE as comforting as that...BUT there was a problem. Given enough of it...having too much of it got me to rely on it without even knowing it. I would crave it...and I would need it to feel better when the shit hit the fan. I would rely on it and would find it hard, if not totally impossible to find reprive and relief on my own terms, you see, I needed you guys to feel better. A need, and a dependancy...they're bad things. Regardless of what it's based on, they're bad things. Because I'd grown to rely on you people to make me feel better, I stopped being able to do it on my own. It's like a muslce, atrophying from disuse until eventually, it pretty much dies out from disuse until you can't use it anymore even when you desperately need it. Do you know what it's like to NOT be able to feel better on your own? To feel down unless someone was there to pick you up? To not be able to feel good about yourself on your own terms? Picture that...cause that was me. That was how I lived my life guys, relying on everyone and everything around me but myself. Why...because I distrusted myself. Because I didn't think that much of myself. I really didn't believe that I was someone worth getting to know when there were so many better people in the world out there. No self-worth I guess you'd say. Well fuck that...but more of that anon. The second person's talk to REALLy get to me...I think was Andrea's. We rarely talk...but she messaged last night cause of my pathetic MSN name "i feel so broken." Another ploy for attention and sympathy. I know it for what it is now and as ashamed of it as I am, I will not deny that I did it. We talked...and for starters, she identified what I was doing just as quickly as Jen did but what's more, put a word to it that I could understand. She told me that it seemed to be the thought of romanticism that I was holding onto. By gods, it was like a bolt of lightning had struck me. Romanticism: 1-An artistic and intellectual movement originating in Europe in the late 18th century and characterized by a heightened interest in nature, emphasis on the individual's expression of emotion and imagination, departure from the attitudes and forms of classicism, and rebellion against established social rules and conventions. 2-Romantic quality or spirit in thought, expression, or action. Finally, something I had learned in university helping me. I was a romantic. Not in the sense that is commonly used these days, as in someone loving love and doing those sweet little things for the people they love...guys, that's not a romantic; that's a sap. And I was/am that too...I'm not about to deny it but the key here, I was a romantic. There was a part of me (rather large) that languished and was depressed because it was romantic to be depressed and melancholy. Worse, it's all fucking FAKE. I was being depressed, sad and all that other needy garbage for the SAKE of being depressed and needy. That was a revelation. The help that you guys gave me in the form of sympathy, compassion, I'm not saying that it was wasted on me, I don't ever want you to think that. I can't tell you how much your support meant to me during this time, I would've been so much worse off without it, believe me I say that. But the thing is, with my state of mind, your sympathy and concern was a crutch. It was a crutch that I leaned on so that I wouldn't have to deal with how I felt on my own. It was just my way of running away. It's always hard to face problems guys...it really is, and to be honest, it STILL is. But running has never solved anything has it? I can run and run to the end of the world and back but at the end, no matter where I stop panting for breath, I won't be able to run from myself. And so the thought comes...if I'm going to be stuck with myself for all the rest of my life and beyond, is THIS truly who I want to be? Someone who needs other people so much that he can't be happy on his own? Feel better on his own? To that...we get a resounding FUCK NO!!! Jen touched upon this and Andrea had me try it openly: Look at yourself from the outside. Pretend you meet yourself, what would you see? Would you see someone that you wanted to befriend? Someone you could feel comfortable around?Someone you wanted to know? Someone you would hire? Someone you would love? If the answer to any of these questions is NO, then you need to step back outside, find out WHY the answer's no and fucking CHANGE. Don't identify a problem and pretend you don't see it. Don't see the problem and say it's normal. Don't say it's normal and expect other people to ignore it as you do, get the fuck off your lazy ass and fucking FIX it. David also wrote on this topic, not my own situation but on dealing with being depressed as he was not too long ago. He wrote this in his Xanga: FUCK THIS SHIT......i do this for myself and only myself....time to put my shit together and step shit up a notch....this sad business just aint working for me....im the fucking franchise.....this shit will not slow me down....im gonna show the world something they've never seen before.....so watch the fuck out... I couldn't have said it fucking better myself. Now...maybe you're still trying to figure out what the fuck that whole bloody sunset thing was important for well...here it is. When I saw that blood red sunset sinking beneath the clouds, ALL of these thoughts triggered at once in my mind, like a flash of lightning. It was...stunning guys, no other word for it. I was struck dumb and for a second, I thought I was going to fall to my hands and knees on the RT. I was sad and depressed, and generally being a fucking whiny bitch because I was letting myself. I was consciously, or unconsciously pumping the people that I called for sympathy and compassion. I was acting like the people I used to point and laugh at. I was acting like everything that I hated. You know what though? With this sudden realization came another right on its heels. I DON'T NEED TO DO IT ANYMORE... Do you know how freeing that thought is? That I truly have control of my emotional state? That I don't have to let myself be governed by conventions of HOW I should feel or act? That I don't have to let Her leaving me become the end of my world? That's it guys. I have done. I have learned, and I have indeed seen that while I may fall, I can fucking roll with the punches, hop back to my feet and fucking beat the living shit out of life. I realize, that with this change, I may have become a bit of a bastard, or an asshole if you will. I've shown some of you the link to Azrael's post on Outpost Nine. The "Asshole Reformation" or so he calls it. It's what happens when you step on a "nice guy" enough times, he gets disillusioned for it truly seems that everyone in life is only out to get a piece of you to take home as a souvenir and becomes an asshole. Someone independant and strong...but an asshole nonetheless. Now, while I haven't REALLY been stomped on more than three or four times, but the same change has taken place in me in some ways. If you think about it, the simplest way to NOT be hurt anymore is to simply not give a fuck about anything. I remember you Helen especially was worried that I would resort to that. It's a fear that I can understand and I think...in achieving this new change of character, I may have resorted to that...in part. I find that very suddenly (remember, this has all taken place over the course of a few hours), like I care so much less about what most people think of me...I remember as I was going down the stairs at the bus station, some guy was like muttering behind me to his friend about how I was going slowly but first off, there was a big crowd so I'm not about to rush down the stairs like a madman and I could FEEL a thought in my head telling him to fuck off and telling ME not to give a shit. I have changed. I am someone new. I am more than the sum of just my seperate parts and feelings and I'm better than I thought that I could be. I have fallen...that is true. This is something that I will not deny and cannot change; I have fallen. I've fallen and I've left a helluva crater behind me in the ground but what I refuse to do anymore is to just lie there crying like a little fucking weakass bitch wishing that things will just magically go back to the way they were. I will fucking stand up, dust myself off and climb out of the crater. Now for you Helen, if you were worried and wanted to know, this doesn't mean that I'll be pushing anyone INTO that crater. I'm not going to go around randomly hurting people just because I've been hurt or just because I can. Like I've said on many occasions, I can't change so much that I will no longer be myself. So there you have it. My epiphany, conversion and testimonial all in one handy, neat little package. If I didn't know better, I would've said that I've just had a religious experience. I want to thank a bunch of you. I know that sounds so small compared to what you've done for me...but I want to thank a bunch of you. Helen, as always, my light and support in my rough times. Julie...a sympathetic ear, diversion with your weird thoughts. Joyce, show me that I'm not the only one that's gone through what's happened and that it's possible to move on. Azrael, if that fucker ever reads this, shows me that also, I'm not the only one that ends up feeling disillusioned by such things. Dave...what can I say man? Your talk of showing the world what you're fucking made of, I dunno why but it got to me. It's as inelegant and ineloquent as shit...but it got to me anyway. Jen...good god Jen, I think I talked to you more in the past two weeks than I have in the past month. You helped me understand how or why it happened and I thank you for it. Conan...thanks for the new song man, it really hit the spot (if you were interested: Fallout Boy - Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today). Uriel man...fuck, you've just been a great guy for when things got all pent up and I had to vent. Sabrina, what can I say? We've talked a lot about this the last little while and the laughs you provided me with went a long way. Monnie...it hurt to talk to you about it all, maybe cause you were so close to Her...but in the end, I guess it's all something I needed. Andrea...crazy girl, you've just totally opened my eyes. Well now, didn't that all just sound TOTALLY like some sort of award acceptance speech? Sorry if it came across that way, sorry if you feel it was impersonal but tis all things that needed to be said. And now just like an ACTUAL such speech, if I missed any of ya and you're reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that using you guys for sympathy is TOTALLY not the right way to treat you all...I apologize for it and I WILL make up for it from this moment on. They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks...well fuck em. I quit cussing (despite how badly THIS looks, I swear, I'm done with swearing purposefully...I just needed it for emphasis today I promise), I've quit some other...slightly more disturbing physical vices >.>, and now, I am purging myself of my emotional addictions. I'll take whatever life dishes out as it comes with thanks and if it leaves, I'll take that in good grace. I am telling you guys that I am a changed man. There may be hiccups where I revert to my old self for a time or two; I can see one in the near future after exams when I end up writing and sending that letter to Her about this that's been looong overdue...but that's all they will be. Hiccups, blinks, flickers, flashes of my old self coming to the fore for a short time before I manage to suppress it again. If you see me revert to that old, whiny, angst-ridden, romantic bitch, give him a slap for me. And in case you were wondering, I am NOT fucking kidding. If you live near me and I'm acting like a bitch, come by and slap me. Really hard too. Swing from the heels, twist your body for momentum and all that jazz. If you see him come out of his cage, make him hurt till he goes away again. He's not me anymore and more, I don't want to BE him. Never again. Fuck relying on people for everything in life. Happiness, satisfaction and bliss comes from one person only. All that ANYONE else in life can do is to complement you, to provide the spice that makes life enjoyable. The meat of it comes only from within. A new Perry will be around from this day onwards. I'll have discarded the old one like an article of clothing that I've grown out of. There is a new "me" in the world and may all of the various gods and deities in the world help whosoever gets in my fucking way. Peace out. |