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Venting Need to vent out some of the thoughts floating around my head and figured that this would be the best way to do it. Before we begin though, do me a favor guys. When you see me writing one of these replacement words that I've taken to using instead of swearing, would you mind replacing it with the right word as you read it? I absolutely hate sounding like some kid in grade school and I feel naked without a healthy curse here and there but a deal is a deal, I NEED to avoid using them so just pretend that they're there instead and things will sound more normal. Moving on... our first issue today stems from the idea that if you receive something, you should somewhere along the line give something back. It's not written down anywhere, it's not a law of any kind but more like a code of behavior...or more like The Code if you really want to nitpick. I can't speak for anyone else but in my own head and heart, the Code has all the force of law which is in turn backed by my guilt and conscience if I should dare to break it. If somebody does something for me, whether it's providing a shoulder to cry on, buying me drinks, a gift or ANYTHING, I feel somethign inside me that gets me feeling like I have to return the favor. It matters not whether it's a favor worth returning or if they WANT the favor returned, returned it shall be otherwise, I won't be able to sleep at night. Sabrina argues with me on a nearly daily basis because of this mindset of mine. In the game, I refuse to accept gifts from her whether they be bouts of powerleveling, potions, items, money, etc etc. She feels put out by this. Thing is though, when I first started playing again about a month ago, I accepted it all...I took everything that she offered right up until I realized that she absolutely refused to take anything that I offered in return under the convenient guise of "I don't need it as much as you." She got all pissy, interpreted my refusal to leech from her as if I'd told her that I hated her guts. Tells me that I should accept the gifts in spirit in which they were offered (not in those exact words of course, I'm 'prettying' things up a bit but you get the idea). So I counter right back by asking her why she never accepts any gifts from ME no matter how I intend it? Her reply again is, "because I dont need it as much as you do." I swear, it's like arguing with a bloody child. So I started outright refusing to accept anything she offered and she stormed away in a huff last night saying that a "REAL" friend would just accept and say thanks. I have a problem with that. While I may not truly be independant, I like to at least TRY. I won't be a mooch or a leech or anything else that you could call it. I may accept such treatment from a friend as long as it's clear that they'll be getting something back for their gesture at a later date but I won't just sit there and let people heap me with STUFF and just accept it all without a word of protest. My refusal is my protest. This also applies to birthdays and the like. What is it that you guys do? Keep a freaking tally sheet somewhere? Guys...seriously, I couldn't care less if our 'scores' in terms of gestures and gifts was even or not. It's not like I only go around finding gifts for people who've given me something on MY birthday that year, I simply don't care. Joseph first and now Jen too have expressed this, "you don't have to get ME anything cause I never got YOu anything," sort of sentiment and it drives me up the wall. Here's the only questions that matter to me. Have you EVER done something for me? Will you ever again make such gestures in days to come? If the answer to either or both questions is yes, then you will continue to get things from me whenever I can give it and if ever I can remember. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I can pretty much guarantee you that there will be times when those special little days slip my mind just as they've slipped your minds on occasion. Do you see me getting all worked up, depressed and/or pissy about them anymore? I used to...but not anymore. The details have ceased to matter for me. At the end of the day, as long as we remain friends, the scoreboards will remain dead even because as long as now and then, you think of me as I think of you...as long as even occasionally, you both give to me and receive things FROM me, the details don't matter to me. The details pale in comparison to the thought behind the gesture and at the end of that day, it's the thought and not the gesture that makes it something worth receiving...something worth giving. This isn't some blanket invitation to walk all over me. The important thing to remember is that any relationship has to be both give and take. If you only do one or the other over a long period of time, I'll have to conclude that we're not really friends and try to part ways with you as best as I can. Everyone clear with that one? Good. That was the end of the first one...onto the second big thing... This was brought on by the weekend I spent with Joseph. It was his birthday and he had to no plans so I ended going over, staying over for the night watching movies and then went out the next day for lunch and a movie to celebrate. Sometime during the night, the conversation turned to our differences. Joseph, you see, tends to be rather...effeminate. Being the way he is, he finds it perfectly natural that he has many close female friends as opposed to close male friends. He wonders about me though...he said that he found it odd that most of my closest friends seemed to be female when I acted in such a stereotypically "male" fashion. Now that I actually stop to think about that though, why IS that? If you follow stereotypes, a gay guy has a good chance of having many close girl friends right? They have more in common but then you look at me and my friendships...do I seem effeminate? Do I act like a girl? I know that a part of me strives to present the strongest "guy" image that it can and most of me doesn't even try...it just comes to me and I can't stop it. And yet...if I stop and look at it, the vast majority of the close friends that I have are all female. Why is this? I wonder if perhaps, for some of you, it's that I take the place of the "nice guy." You know what I mean, the guy that you come to for emotional support when the other guys in your lives are acting like idiots. The more that I think about this, the more curious I become. Why DO I have more female friends than male friends? You tell me...do I act like a close girl friend more than a guy? Is it to have a close guy friend without having to really worry that he'll fall for you? Even though I think I HAVE on occasion? A relationship without risk perhaps...? Let me know...my curiosity has been aroused and I kind of want an answer. I'm tired of writing now...I think that I'll end it here for now. |