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Vindication I need to get this out or let it fester in me for much, much longer than it should. As Helen would say, this is my pride sticking up, feeling the urge to defend myself and she's probably right. But it's coming out regardless and if you don't want to hear me making excuses, if you don't want to see me sounding just fucking pitiful, back off now and get outta here. Girl, why did you leave me? Was anything I did enough for you? I was working, and working fucking hard on trying to figure out a way around the things that you called problems in our relationship, I swear to you that I was. You told me that calling each other was costing too much. DId you know about internet telephony? Services like Skype or Ventrilo that I was looking into? Even just using the audio MSN function? We could have talked all that we wanted at no cost. So you say that you couldn't get on your brother's computer too much because he was using it. He got a new one, all that you needed was a monitor and a headset to make this work. If you had let me get you a cheap monitor that my buddy doesn't use anymore then this problem that you saw wouldn't have been a problem at all. All you had to do was tell me that you wouldn't mind if I helped you and You would have had a used monitor in a few days and the cost of long distance calls would no longer have been a problem. You said that I didn't come out to see you enough. Let's go over this one. I didn't come out to Whitby to see you enough times, it made you feel that I wasn't putting as much into our relationship as you were. Tell me this girl, exactly how many times have YOU been at my place when you weren't already in the area with school or other plans? How many times have you been here WITHOUT coming straight from school or Pmall? How many times have you been here when you didn't already have to be in the area huh? Like none. None that I can remember. I'll give you allowances cause my memory's shit but none that I can remember. How much fucking effort did YOU put into this compared to me? Every single time that I was at your place was for no other reason than to be with you. If I had to go to school in Oshawa, if I had a car, if I had a job, do you think that I would have done as you and only been there when I had other business in the area? I came by on any weekend that my mother would give me the car which was rare enough due to the fact that I had no insurance and she was antsy about me driving 40 minutes on the highway to get to your place and 40 minutes back but I was there wasn't I? I may not have been there as often as I should have been but I was fucking THERE whenever you asked me to come. Your work christmas party, your mother's birthday, your aunt's birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, whenever I could, I was fucking there. I bussed down there once, I got lost as shit and you had to pick me up at Pickering or Ajax or wherever the fuck that was but I fucking TRIED. The one time that I can remember that you got bent out of shape over it was this one, there was no occasion but you asked me to come by on a weekend and I was al fucking for it. I was going to go even when my mom told me to just take the bus. What stopped me? I talked to you the night before and what did you tell me? Do you remember? You told me that you were feeling sick, that wasn't a problem, I would still have been there. You told me that you only wanted me to come if I was sure that I was okay with the 2 and half hour bus ride back and forth, that was fine with me, anything to see you. Then you had to go and fucking tell me that you were "having women problems" and that you wouldn't be in much of a mood for commpany but that I could still come if I wanted. At this point, it was starting to sound to me like you were trying to give me an excuse to back away from the plans. This was me thinking that you were trying to give me one of those subtle female hints so I backed off and said that maybe it would be better if we got together another day when you were feeling more up to it and you readily agreed. Did I not compliment you enough? Did I not tell you that I loved you enough? Maybe too much? I told you that you looked great almost every time that I saw you because in my eyes, you fucking shone like the sun. I told you that I loved you a lot because that's exactly what I felt for you every time I held you in my arms. I could feel my heart jump in my throat and my breath catch in my throat whenever we hugged and I loved it. I remember that you got bent out of shape one day at school when we were all talking about hot actresses/actors and you got all freaked out and self conscious when I said that Jennifer Love Hewitt struck me as being very pretty. You somehow took this to mean that I found her more attractive than you. I would have called you crazy, that you were getting worked up over nothing but I loved you too much to speak harshly to you. You didn't read past the first book in the Sword of Truth series but Richard says something to Pasha in the second book that applies. To me, any other woman in the world that I claimed to be good looking was nothing to me but a pretty candle. You were my fucking sunrise. Nobody in the world compared to you. When you were in sight, everyone else, friends and family alike, dimmed down and you stood out from them so fucking much to me. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. If one night, every single female that I thought looked pretty appeared naked in my room and told me that they desperately wanted me, I would have turned them all down without a second thought and NOT ONLY that, but I wouldn't even be fucking tempted. You can scoff at that if you like, you can tell me that I'm a liar but speaking nothing but pure truth, nothing like that would come close to interesting me. It wouldn't interest me because YOU and only you was all that I could want or need in life. While we were together, not a single other girl that I saw, real people I knew or famous people alike could have had the ghost of a chance of catching my eye because I had all that I could have wanted in you. Though you never actually came out and said it, was the fact that I didn't really make any moves towards you bugging you? Did it make you think that I wasn't physically attracted to you? Did it make you think that I wasn't interested? Yes, I didn't kiss you much but I explained that to you, that it felt kind of strange to me, that I preferred holding you instead and you agreed with it all. You agreed with me and I thought that you were okay with it. Did you think that I would balk at kissing you if I knew that it was a problem for you? Whether I didn't mind it or whether I flat out hated it, if you had just told me that it was what you wanted of me, you would have gotten it and as strange as it felt to me, I would have kept trying until I got it right. Was I moving too slow in other ways? I remember one time, about 3 months or so after we'd started dating, we were at my house watching a movie and daring VERY greatly I might add, I caressed you and asked you what you felt. You told me that you couldn't really feel much of anything at all because of your bra but that if I tried anything more, you'd have to slap me. Were you trying to scare me off? Cause you succeeded. I didn't want you to think for even an instant that that was all that I was after because it wasn't. The physical part of the relationship interested me to be sure but it wasn't IMPORTANT to me in the slightest. Why? Because what you offered to me on an emotional level was more than I could have dreamed of. After that I figured that if you wanted me to move forward in that way, you would let me know when you felt ready. Know this girl, I was just as happy with nothing as I would have been with everything. You had given me your heart and your love and compared to that, any physical expression of love would have been a drop of rain in an ocean. I was interested, you were beautiful to me but that part of our relationship was never as important to me as the affection...as the feeling of knowing that you loved me. You told me once that you didn't like it when I got depressed cause I dragged the people around me down too. I can't avoid being depressed you know. Shit happens and sometimes, it's too much to deal with at once. I've been depressed twice in the 5 months that we were together. Before you, it would be the other way around, I would only be truly happy twice in 5 months. The first was when an assignment and test for every class was crashing down on a week and half period. My relaxed attitude towards school can only go so far and all that shit in a week and a half was too much for me to handle so I got a kind of depressed, it was neverending you see. I'd finish one school thing only to be hit with yet another, and another and another, all in a line with no end in sight. Yes I got depressed bu who doesn't? Who is happy 24/7, 365 days a year for their entire lives? I got depressed but a week later, I was back to my usual self. The second time was when I failed my driving test. Wasted over $200 for lessons and the test itself and it all came to nothing. We were on the phone and what did I do? Did I brush you off brusquely like I did to Helen that time? Did I respond to your sympathy with "Whatever" ? No. I didn't. I told you that I didn't really feel up to talking about it or dwelling about it and could we maybe talk about it some other time when I wasn't so upset about it. By the time Monday hit 3 days later, I was fucking FINE. YOU on the other hand was pissed off as hell at me for some reason that I still don't understand. I didn't say to you that I didn't give a fuck about your concern or that it meant nothing to me because it meant the WORLD to me. I told you that we could talk about it later becuase I knew for a fact that in a few days, I would be fine with it, that I would be able to pick myself up off the ground and deal with the fact that I failed and that we could talk about it then. Then you go off and get all fucking mad at me for that? You were no picnic to be around when YOU were stressed out as hell from exams and assignments, let me tell ya but I did whatever I could and I didn't get fucking pissed off at you for it. I jus tried to let you know that I would be there if you wanted to turn to me or that I would be over there if you wanted space to deal with it. Christ... What else did you get pissed at me for? You late ending Tuesday class, it ends after the sky outside gets pitch black and you were worried about walking to the parking lot alone at that time of night so I offered to stay behind after my class, wait two hours and walk you to your car before heading home. As I said, that would have been GOOD for me. I find it hard to do work at home because I'm too easily distracted by the computer or the tv or my books or whatever. Two hours a week at school with nothing to do would have been great to help me catch up on the readings that I SHOULD have been doing but wasn't. Me waiting would have put you more at ease on that walk to your car. When we were talking about it the semester before at your place late at night, even your MOTHER looked me right in the eye and told me that she would feel alot more comfortable about the whole thing if I would stay behind and make sure that you got to your car okay. After that, you want me to back down easily? You want me to just fold and let go instead of fighting to make you see things the way I did? You were always so afraid of being seen as an unreasonably demanding girlfriend but you weren't asking now were you? I was offering, I would have been happy to do so, you just couldn't see that. I did everything for you that I could possibly think of doing Lauren. When you wouldn't make a big deal over the fact that it was our one month anniversary, I did it instead and snuck that rose into your car while you waited in the mall thinking that I was just going out for my wallet. Do you have any idea how much planning went into that little gesture? I had to talk it over with people, I had to go and trace out where I would be going to get to the flower store the quickest way from the foodcourt the day before but I did it for you. I wasn't exactly comfortable heading over for your family gatherings, for your family's birthdays but I came anyway with a smile on my face for you. Your work Christmas party was also fairly quirky but I had a good time because you were there. I made you a scarf as a christmas present because I knew that you got cold easily...because I knew that you didn't really have a nice scarf of your own...because by making it, I could be there to keep you warm by proxy if not in actual presence. When things started feeling rather strained between us, I made you that mix cd filled with love songs that told you everything that I couldn't find the words to say. You were sort of peeved about missing that Evanescence concert the summer previous so I picked up the dvd of their concert in Paris. You liked Lacuna Coile but couldn't find more of their music? I tracked down a torrent with pretty much every album they actually released and tossed them onto a cd for you to listen to in your car. You asked me to be patient with you, that you'd never been intimate with anyone and didn't want to rush into anything so I made that not matter to me, to be happy that I had your love which was more than enough to satisfy me. A part of you seemed to cringe everytime I swore so even after you left me, I did what I could to cut that part of me off, and though I lapse back into it in my writings or speech when I'm pissed off like yesterday, for the most part, it's all gone. I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. But if you were at the end of that path urging me on, do you truly think that I wouldn't strive for it? I would have reached for perfection, to be the perfect guy for you and for your love with all of my heart and soul. I did everything that I could think of. I did everything that I thought would make you happy. I would have done more, done enough had you only taken the time to TELL me what was on your mind, what thoughts were eating away at the love you felt for me in the dark reaches of the night. There are lots of things in the world that I don't know...lots of things that I'm not sure of. In fact, I don't think that it would be much of an understatement to say that I know almost NONE of life's ultimate truths...but I do know this. I know that just given the chance...I could have been the one for you. I really believe that... If only... The words are never enough. I've written so much here but it only scratches the surface of what's been eating away at my heart. Things will never go back to the way they were so I try not to dwell on it. You acted upon your feelings, upon what you thought would be best and how can I fault or blame you for it? Slowly but surely, the page is turning, marking the end of the chapter of my life that belonged to you. Just know that I loved you girl...unconditionally, with all of my heart and soul...the way that it should be... |